showing concern

Dear Pete-o ,

These letters to you help me . It helps to read back over them and see if I have gotten any better at dealing with your death or not . Usually , not . But I lost them all . My computer crashed and all the letters I've ever written you are gone . I need somewhere to store this , so its safe .
I miss you a lot every day . Dale killed himself Monday , the year and a half mark of your death . I feel terrible , and even more so terrible because I kept thinking of you .
And I blame myself and everyone says not to . But , I can't make it a day in life without thinking that I have your blood on my hands .
I screwed up with you more often than not . But you knew I loved you , right ?
You made it seem so simple , "lets just get married ."
I'm sorry . Leah and I talked yesterday about you .
She's in love and I know you know with whom . I reminded her of how I always went back to you and she always went back to him . You guys were the ones we couldn't get over . I told her how I lost my chance , so she should grab at hers . I think she might .
She misses you a lot too . She hopes you're chilling with Dale now .
I still struggle with the fact that there's nothing to change this . Nothing I can say . I've always been able to fix every fight between us . And so have you . But , this is bigger than us and I can't wrap my mind around it .
I really want to know if you knew what you were doing .
I don't think you meant to die . I really don't .
But , I remember almost every word in our fight a few days before you died .
I am so sorry . Was it me that made you crazy ? Whenever we were together you were calm and when I hurt you and left you lost it . You lost it pretty hard this time and it swallowed you up .
That time , I guess . I just wish you were here to accept my apology and laugh about it like we always did before .
You were a beautiful soul , Pete .

.

I want answers .
Why do people take their own lives ?




And why does the world keep moving ?

Whiskey Tango !

Alright , so I got in a huge fight with Danni and her now X boyfriend . All because of this cat .

And that boy had the nerve to speak to me as if I was some 14 year old air head . "It costs money to have a cat , you have to buy food and litter and get it declawed and fixed"

uhhhh I DIDNT KNOW THAT ! I just got a kitten and expected it to figure it out for itself .

You moron . You idiot .

Then he had the nerve to send me a four page text about how he feels sorry for me because I'm dating a self-centered asshole , and I think its all great right now like every other girl did . That Johnathon risked losing his kid (uhhh what ?) and that we spend our money on stupid "shit" .

First of all , Johnathon barely rolls his eyes at Danni for fear of her psychoticness . He walks on eggshells to make sure Danni doesn't steal Lua . He went and sat in a room with her smelly self for two hours for his daughter . Every decision in his life is made to keep Lua .

Now , if someone could please tell me the stupid shit we spend our money on , I'd love it . Because , I didn't even point this out someone else did , Danni goes to shows and parties all the time . She shows up with new tattoos every day . When she had a boyfriend they went to stl almost every single weekend . In our household , we don't go to the movies , we don't go out . We get our furniture for free , and then we effing sell it ! I shop at thrift stores and try not to spend above 5 dollars on an item of clothing and that RARELY happens . In fact , its happened three times . When I got my job to get work clothes , when the weather changed , and for a friends wedding . All of our money goes to bills , gas and Lua .

And also , Johnathon and I have a relationship and Danni and Johnathon have a baby . She wants to say "ohh you guys are so poor and then you get a cat !" well guess what , darling , I CERTAINLY am NOT going to not get the things I want in life because YOU have a baby .

UGHGHSG . But , I am actually quite proud because I'm not scared of her anymore . She wont take Lua . She's done the worst she can do , and we can fight back and she can hardly handle Lua for four days , so I know she wont take her .

So , I told her off yesterday and she pretty much said Uncle .

And her x boyfriend , well , he thinks we're fine . He's a moron . Perfect for Danni .

Anywayssssssssssss

My kitty is sleeping on my shoulder like a little parrot . Breathing like Darth Vader because the poor little dear has a cold =[

and his name is Whiskey . Whiskey Tango .

No Name

X

It's been raining for two days .
The Cornhuskers beat Mizzou last night .
I have a new friend and a malicious plot .
Payday today , thank the Lord .
Also , Lua tonight .
We bought a new game called Quelf .
I'm going to a wedding tomorrow .
My house is filthy and I don't want to clean it .
I'm uploading pictures then ,
Coffee , blankets , couch , Gilmore Girls and hopefully I will drift in and out of sleep .
I need to shower , but lets be honest . I'm not going to .
I need to buy pantyhose but I think I'm probably going to forget .
A Slant of Sun is such a good book .
Johnathon gets annoyed at my new habbit : leaving all the cabinet doors open .
I AM getting a kitten .
I've emailed at least 7 people on craigslist and only 1 has emailed me back .
I want that kitten tonight .

_

it's official , i'm depressed .