Fall

Sometimes I'd just really like to do something and someone say "That is amazing !"
Not "That is amazing ! But you could do this _____ and it'd look better !"

Today , me , Johnathon and his brother and his brother's girlfriend went to our friend's house . The guys watched the UFC show and the girls crafted .
I came up with an idea for Lua's room , to do her name . And I thought it looked wonderful . I was so happy with it . So were the girls . When we finished the first letter Johnathon said "You should do this . . ." and gave me ideas to "improve it" .
I guess it just hurt my feelings . A lot . I sorta wanted to cry .

I've just never been good at hardly anything . I've never really felt proud of much .
I've always wanted something to be my "thing" and people are constantly amazed by it .

I guess this isn't it .

hmm

Everything has been pretty much perfect . Except / Until PMS hit about mid-day yesterday .
Johnathon , prepare for the storm .

It's always Sunny in . . .

So , I am extremely inspired to craft . I want to sew , paint , bake , EVERYTHING . A good friend of mine has decided to join forces with me and learn to craft . I've really been inspired by my friend Jillian . She's a mommy and a wife and a wonderful Christian and a crafter and a darn good one at that . ( http://www.jillianpye.etsy.com) .

All the things I want to be .

Wish me luck . I'm kind of not good at most things . But , I'm changing that . Mark my words .

I went on a bike ride today with my friends , I loved it . Although , I wish that boys wouldn't shout things . It seems like the majority of my male friends get called "fags" whenever they ride bikes by the fratty boys . Today a car full of boys screamed at us . I don't really get it .

I want to start photographing people . I let my insecurities keep me from that . Stop , Jenica .

2nd hard-drive in six months

I lost everything =[

Hi , lights !

Finally ! Party day is tomorrow and Sunday ! I am cleaning my house with Etta James floating through the air . I love today .

1. 
   
   
   That is my new hair . With some highlights . More to come .
   
   
   
   
   
   I cannot wait for tomorrow . I hope all goes well . I've still got to figure out the food situation , po' folk cannot just buy everything they want !
   
   
   
   
   I am so excited to make the cake , too . I'm nervous because I tend to screw things up , however , I am more mature now . I'm 20 . And I've helped keep Lua alive for the past six months and I think i've done a good job . . . so I should be able to handle her birthday cake ! Right ? Ha , I hope . I've been mulling over a few different designs , so we'll see ! I'll be sure to post many pictures !
   
   
   
   
   
   My mom got her this cute "my 1st birthday" photo album and I cannot wait to fill it ! !

Darling , I'm here

Dang , I love the Gilmore Girls . I love family shows . I love mom and daughter shows . I miss my mom ! =]

I'm getting excited about everything ! And now , Halloween ! I've never REALLY done Halloween before . One time I kind of dressed up . I was going to my friend Seth's HUGE party out on a ranch . He really wanted people to dress up , so I stopped at Walmart on the way and purchased a tu-tu , a tiara and a bloody knife . Put the tu-tu on over my clothes and headed there .

The tiara was uncomfortable . As soon as I walked up I saw Pete-O , he threw his arms around me and his whiskey on me . So , there went the tu-tu .

Then the party turned in to a massive riot . That Pete-O unintentionally started . Man , I loved him .

But this year , Lua is 1 . She's already so aware of everything . I actually stopped by (with Johnathon , Stevie and Kylie) baby mama's party for a short minute to see Lua . It was nice . When everyone was singing Happy Birthday , I just looked around and it was crazy to think about all of the very serious and personal issues we had floating around in our minds between us , and we put it aside to sing together to Lua . She's a beautiful soul , that baby . Anyways , Halloween is on a Saturday and that's our day . I know baby mama is going to argue that , but hey , we'll take Lua and she can go get drunk .

I want to dress up this year and take her trick-or-treating . I hope it works out . And I want to decorate like a CRAZY person ! I love themes ! Any ideas for baby costumes ? I was looking at some !

How amazing is that !

We really want to make her an oompa-Lua ! She's short and fat , so she'll make the best oompa-loompa and Johnathon can be Wonka ! YES !

sweet , Jesus , I swear that I love You .

Oh my . Oh my my my my my my my ! ! ! ! ! !
HAPPY !

I want to express how absolutely marvelous God is , and how happy I feel and how good this is . But , I'll just tell what happened . Except first , GOD IS GREAT ! OKAY !


So , basically , I've been silent for quite some time about how baby mama is not a nice person . But , finally after she accused my boyfriend of cheating on me , that was it . I am tired of keeping quiet about her . She is malicious and sneaky and a liar , people need to know that . I for one , will say something twice . Behind your back and to it . I will also hold everyone else in this world up to that standard , so if she can say these things to Johnathon then she should be able to back them up and say them to the world . HA , that's a laugh . BUT anyway . . .

There is a fabulous organisation called M . A . R . C . H . It is a mediation program to try and help parents who aren't together , work together . They have a lawyer sit in with you , and both parents just talk . The lawyer is there to regulate and educate (=]) . The program is great , they make sure that you are ONLY there to talk about the CHILD . Not current girlfriends or boyfriends or the past or anything like that . They know the law , so they can answer the legal questions . And they are not there to "buddy up" with either side . Which is refreshing because Missouri is 100,000% a mom state .

Well , a while ago baby mama (pre-child support) went and contacted them and signed up to do that . We got papers in the mail .

You see , she would tell us that Johnathon has to pay child support because he is the dad . [not true .] Or that , if Johnathon had partial custody , he'd still have to pay . [not true .] And that he has legal rights to Lua because his name is on the birth certificate . [not true .] And we told her these things were not true , but she went and talked to all the pissed off single moms that work at her daycare and they were like "yeah ! yeah it is !" or something . Well , she thought that these march people would prove her right , and help her get child support .

We get child support papers . 278 friggen dollars a month . And let me explain how that number came to be . As soon as baby mama decided that she was going to try and screw over Johnathon with child support , she threw everything away and screwed herself . Now , the COURTS decide how much Lua needs a month . They decide EVERYTHING . And she , well she's getting screwed , but I'm getting ahead of myself . Anyways , the courts decide a total amount of how much Lua should be costing . They find that out by adding the total income of each party together and figuring what Lua should cost . They split it in two . That is what each parent is responsible for . Then , they find out how many nights each parent has the child . You are given a certain percentage and as I'm sure you can figure out , pay accordingly .

Now , what started all this march stuff is that the 278 . . . that came to be because when the papers were filed , Johnathon got no credit for his visitation . So , now he's having to pay baby mama as if she had Lua full time , then keep her three of those seven days . And he explained it to her slowly and was sure to pronounce his words slowly , and she was like "THATS NOT TRUE ! BAHH ! YOU HAVE TO PAY THIS ! I NEED THIS MONEY ! WE CANT MAKE IT WITHOUT THIS MONEY !" so he said , I cannot afford to keep Lua , could you like help with diapers and food so that I can still keep her ? "NO !" So Johnathon called the march place and found out if they come to an agreement then it can be court ordered , they sign it there .

WONDERFUL !

So , he goes . The march thing was yesterday .

Now , obviously I wasn't there (which baby mama felt a need to stress . She said "Jenica isnt going ." and we're like , you moron , why would you even say that ?) so I do not know what happened in that room , only from Johnathons word .

Apparently , he went in there calm and mature , as he is about everything and so did she . They discussed the child support issue . He told her about how he's having to pay her half too . She said "oh yeah , I agree that's unfair . I'll help with food and stuff ." He said he got no credit for over night visits and the mediator said "that's weird , we can get that changed ." and told them that (despite what baby mama thinks and that tiny head of hers) the father has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHTS because they aren't married . NO RIGHTS . If baby mama dies , Lua won't go to Johnathon (his words .) Baby mama said , that's not true . Mediator said "Yes , it is ." then explained that if baby mama agrees she can go to a lawyer for free and sign something that gives him his fatherly rights , then he'll get visitation credit on the child support papers . In that room , she agreed . Then , that would lower child support from 278 to 150 ! ! ! !

Which , baby mama didn't like the sound of so she chimed in "well , my income is way lower than what they have listed ! That needs to change too ." And before he knew the outcome , Johnathon agreed . And the mediator agreed . Baby mama asked why is was higher and she calculated some things and the mediater said "This is the standard . It is listed as if you worked 40 hours a week at minimum wage , because if you're not . . . you should be ." And baby mama thought it would raise child support , but guess what it LOWERS IT ! AND ALSO ! She's on food stamps and wick (which clearly means there are no baby expenses , so why do you need this money so bad ?) and the mediator said "they are going to have you pay that back when you recieve child support ."

Now , as you can clearly see , I am excited by this . Obviously , we can afford to keep Lua and our bills can get paid now . But whether or not this worked in our favour , it is THE FAIR way . When baby mama decided to screw over Johnathon like this , she threw everything out the window . It will be fair , decided by the courts . NOT her . Finally , because the only fair thing is obviously Johnathon oweing her for the rest of his life because he "ruined" hers . Baby . Anyways , they have a system . As the lawyer said , they follow it STRICTLY . So these things , they will be changed . Because it is the fricken justice system . Which , in the room , baby mama agreed to .

The meeting was pretty ridiculous because it was baby mama sitting there spineless getting told . She would try to be like "even if you had partial custody you'd still be paying child support" and the mediator would say "actually no ." and she would grow two inches shorter and try something else .

And Johnathon explained that he felt powerless as a dad and if he had to pay this he couldnt keep Lua . That he felt that his money was more important than his fatherhood . Baby mama didn't say anything .

Now , here's the catch . In that room baby mama agreed to every decision made . They had two more hours to go back to march and they could sign everything and get it started . She agreed that it was fair . As soon as they left she sends him a text "I'm getting that 278 and I don't give a f*ck . We can't survive without it ." Then she suggested that Johnathon get A SECOND JOB ! !

Now , Johnathon works at 11 dollars an hour 40-50 hours a week .
Baby mamma is at minimum wage 15-16 hours a week .

............................................... what ?

She refused to go back to march because she didn't get her way . And it sucks that she wont co-operate and it kind of got Johnathon down , but I told him that this is a great amazing thing .

We have the power to fight back .

If baby mama doesn't agree to do anything , then all Johnathon has to do is take her to court . The mediator said he could represent himself because it'll be obvious that he doesn't have money and all he has to do is prove that he has Lua three nights a week then they'll change it .
Pie .

She's throwing a temper tantrum . She sat there are googly-eyed at Johnathon the whole time agreeing to everything and couldn't even open her mouth to disagree when she did . She is so spineless . What does that teach Lua ? That it is certainly okay to be greedy and malicious and sneaky but don't be strong enough to stand up for yourself ? Please .

Lua will learn from her father how to do the right thing even when it seems like the world is against you . When it is hard and scary , you fight for what you believe in .

Johnathon is giving baby mama til the end of the week to do her part and if she doesn't , see you in court . There are countless witnesses , baby mama is a spinless coward so I don't see her lying in court if she couldn't even stand up for herself in front of ONE other person who was constantly on BOTH sides , and she even made it public on myspace .

It feels good . So good . Johnathon had a lawyer tell him what was right and what was wrong and how to fix it . It just so happens , that we were right and we were getting wronged and we can finally fix it . I knew God wouldn't allow this to happen .

We still have millions of fights to face with her .
I hate that Lua has to be a part of this .

and notice . . . Johnathon made it clear that his fatherhood would be forced absent with such a high child support . And the mediator made it clear that legally , he is nothing to Lua . Yet , baby mama doesn't want to change any of that . She is keeping Lua's father from him .

I have never in my life seen her make a decision based on Lua's best interest . That scares me . But thankfully , she tripped up . After thousands of "lets screw Johnathon over" decisions , she decided to take the wrong one and screwed herself over . It doesn't matter how bad she thinks Johnathon owes her or how bad she claims she needs his money . . . the court decides how much she gets . And we're seeing how absolutely evil she really is .

Johnathon and I feel though , that Lua will notice sooner than later how her mother is . We will never , ever put words in her head about her mom , but she'll notice . And she'll decide where she wants to be and I honestly don't think it is with her mother . I really don't .

But , I know this has gone on super long , it has just been one of the most amazing feelings in the world . Baby mama aside , I had lost faith in the state of missouri because of how insanely unfair it was . Turns out , they make mistakes and they aim to fix them , we just didn't know how .

I wish we could help other dad's out there . There is SO much we have learned through this and i think it's just the tip of the iceberg .

Gilmore Girls day

I've been very sick today .

Dear Diary -

I am so tired .
Johnathon and Stevie are frolfing .
I'm home with Lua , she's napping .
I'm watching the Upright Citizens Brigade .
So funny , if you know what it is .

I really want a new purse .
A bigger one or maybe just more convenient .
I can't figure out how to stop being so tired .
Maybe if I ate . Anything .

I go to work later and I'm not too excited .
There's nothing that I want to do except lay down and sleep .
For hours . Ugh . I'm chalking this up to an unhealthy diet .

tree-hugging finger nails

I don't like my last post being a sad rant from a bad day . So here .

I took this and Johnathon fixed 'er up real nice .

ranty rant .

So , I have today and tomorrow off .
I'm really excited because today my co-worker Angie is going to be colouring my hair .
If it turns out , I'll put up a picture .
I'm really not excited and pretty bummed because . . . .
we're going on food stamps .
It feels like the end of the world . I don't want to do this . At all .
I've never felt like I was the person who needed it . I think people
who are on it , need to need it .
But , last night Johnathon and I did the figuring and the math .
And there it was , plain as day .
We have to do it . I don't think we do , but he claims we do .
I guess when your bills outweigh your paychecks . . . well .
Ugh .

I believe in God and Jesus is my Saviour . I am a born again Christian .
But right now , I just feel like good people aren't getting what they deserve and the evil people are getting all the good things .
My relationship with Jesus has been suffering , I haven't been to church in years .
I know it needs work . But I also know Jesus will never let me go , and I haven't let Him go .
So what's happening ?
Not only am I not making enough to pay my bills , but every single paycheck something new happens .
We're good people . We don't lie , we don't cheat , we don't steal , we don't hurt other people . We avoid drama . We stay in our world and we don't poke into other's business . We enjoy our time with each other , we want whats best for everyone . We are peaceful and we keep to ourselves and we help others when they need it .
So , why is it that the evil people out there are getting all of our money .
Where's justice ? Angie says karma will come . She's Christian , but I know what she meant . I believe God is just and that it shouldnt make me feel better for the bad people to "get theirs" . But , I am really , really REALLY tired of seeing bad dogs get rewarded for their bad behavior .
baby mamma drama gets everything . Flat screen TV , new furniture , new NICE car , free repairs , and now 300 dollars of OUR money .
Johnathon cannot financially afford to be a father . He even said , since you're getting that much can you help out with diapers and food and she said no .
I am bitter right now .
Where in the world is justice ?


* EDIT

turns out , we aren't eligable for food stamps .

ahhhhh

I am so very happy pretty much all the time .
=]

my hair smells so good !

aren't they just the best ?

Susie Homemaker .

I want to be this girl . I want to be the stepford wife . I want to be smiley and cleany and proper and crafty all day long . I want to never get tired until the clock reaches my bedtime . Then I instantly fall asleep and wake up ready to go .

But I am the girl who doubts . Who is often tired . Who gets spiteful . Who has other girls beating on her kitchen window while she's trying to be the Stepford Wife , taunting her , pushing her buttons so she'll lose her cool . I'm the girl who gets a twinge in her stomach every time her boyfriend picks up his phone to text . I get nauseous when I think about Baby Mama Drama .

What would this girl do ? When she gets tired of the other people pushing their way in to her life to try and wreck it , what would she do ? Smile ? Hand out pearls and pumps ? Anything ? What would she do , because that is what I want to do ?

What would she do if she got worried about her Love falling out of love ? Anything ? Would she work harder ? Bite her tongue ? I know why I get scared . I'm tired of running . His past was bad , but so is mine . His past relationship was bad , but so was the girl , so I shouldn't compare . But it scares me , I've opened myself up . Put myself in the most vulnerable position possible and I'm scared . Very scared . He gives me his word , assures me that he is happy . And I know he is happy , but what about in a year from now ? Will the floor be pulled from under me ? I don't want to run anymore , this is the life I want .

I am tired of suitcases and gas stations and state lines . I am tired of new pillows , new jobs , new time zones . I want Columbia with its seasons and parks and hippies . I want Johnathon and his family and our house . Bonnie likes it here too .

I want aprons and pie pans , dinner on the table when my Love gets home . A big , fat , pregnant belly . A clean house , no dirty dishes and clean towels every day . I want sweet , flow-y bluegrass playing on vinyl and a perfectly set table .

So , how do I get past my psycho mood swings ? I will not be medicated . But I worry , way more than anyone should . I have social anxiety so bad that I spend the entire 20 minute drive to work with butterflies wrestling in my stomach . I forget to smile , I forget to be uplifting . I forget to be forgiving , I forget to be trusting . Perhaps , it is about being grateful . Perhaps I have gotten to selfish and I forgot to look at all the things I have been blessed with . Life has really thrown me some lemons .

So , what would Susie Homemaker do ?

Make some damn good lemonade .