showing concern

Dear Pete-o ,

These letters to you help me . It helps to read back over them and see if I have gotten any better at dealing with your death or not . Usually , not . But I lost them all . My computer crashed and all the letters I've ever written you are gone . I need somewhere to store this , so its safe .
I miss you a lot every day . Dale killed himself Monday , the year and a half mark of your death . I feel terrible , and even more so terrible because I kept thinking of you .
And I blame myself and everyone says not to . But , I can't make it a day in life without thinking that I have your blood on my hands .
I screwed up with you more often than not . But you knew I loved you , right ?
You made it seem so simple , "lets just get married ."
I'm sorry . Leah and I talked yesterday about you .
She's in love and I know you know with whom . I reminded her of how I always went back to you and she always went back to him . You guys were the ones we couldn't get over . I told her how I lost my chance , so she should grab at hers . I think she might .
She misses you a lot too . She hopes you're chilling with Dale now .
I still struggle with the fact that there's nothing to change this . Nothing I can say . I've always been able to fix every fight between us . And so have you . But , this is bigger than us and I can't wrap my mind around it .
I really want to know if you knew what you were doing .
I don't think you meant to die . I really don't .
But , I remember almost every word in our fight a few days before you died .
I am so sorry . Was it me that made you crazy ? Whenever we were together you were calm and when I hurt you and left you lost it . You lost it pretty hard this time and it swallowed you up .
That time , I guess . I just wish you were here to accept my apology and laugh about it like we always did before .
You were a beautiful soul , Pete .

.

I want answers .
Why do people take their own lives ?




And why does the world keep moving ?

Whiskey Tango !

Alright , so I got in a huge fight with Danni and her now X boyfriend . All because of this cat .

And that boy had the nerve to speak to me as if I was some 14 year old air head . "It costs money to have a cat , you have to buy food and litter and get it declawed and fixed"

uhhhh I DIDNT KNOW THAT ! I just got a kitten and expected it to figure it out for itself .

You moron . You idiot .

Then he had the nerve to send me a four page text about how he feels sorry for me because I'm dating a self-centered asshole , and I think its all great right now like every other girl did . That Johnathon risked losing his kid (uhhh what ?) and that we spend our money on stupid "shit" .

First of all , Johnathon barely rolls his eyes at Danni for fear of her psychoticness . He walks on eggshells to make sure Danni doesn't steal Lua . He went and sat in a room with her smelly self for two hours for his daughter . Every decision in his life is made to keep Lua .

Now , if someone could please tell me the stupid shit we spend our money on , I'd love it . Because , I didn't even point this out someone else did , Danni goes to shows and parties all the time . She shows up with new tattoos every day . When she had a boyfriend they went to stl almost every single weekend . In our household , we don't go to the movies , we don't go out . We get our furniture for free , and then we effing sell it ! I shop at thrift stores and try not to spend above 5 dollars on an item of clothing and that RARELY happens . In fact , its happened three times . When I got my job to get work clothes , when the weather changed , and for a friends wedding . All of our money goes to bills , gas and Lua .

And also , Johnathon and I have a relationship and Danni and Johnathon have a baby . She wants to say "ohh you guys are so poor and then you get a cat !" well guess what , darling , I CERTAINLY am NOT going to not get the things I want in life because YOU have a baby .

UGHGHSG . But , I am actually quite proud because I'm not scared of her anymore . She wont take Lua . She's done the worst she can do , and we can fight back and she can hardly handle Lua for four days , so I know she wont take her .

So , I told her off yesterday and she pretty much said Uncle .

And her x boyfriend , well , he thinks we're fine . He's a moron . Perfect for Danni .

Anywayssssssssssss

My kitty is sleeping on my shoulder like a little parrot . Breathing like Darth Vader because the poor little dear has a cold =[

and his name is Whiskey . Whiskey Tango .

No Name

X

It's been raining for two days .
The Cornhuskers beat Mizzou last night .
I have a new friend and a malicious plot .
Payday today , thank the Lord .
Also , Lua tonight .
We bought a new game called Quelf .
I'm going to a wedding tomorrow .
My house is filthy and I don't want to clean it .
I'm uploading pictures then ,
Coffee , blankets , couch , Gilmore Girls and hopefully I will drift in and out of sleep .
I need to shower , but lets be honest . I'm not going to .
I need to buy pantyhose but I think I'm probably going to forget .
A Slant of Sun is such a good book .
Johnathon gets annoyed at my new habbit : leaving all the cabinet doors open .
I AM getting a kitten .
I've emailed at least 7 people on craigslist and only 1 has emailed me back .
I want that kitten tonight .

_

it's official , i'm depressed .

Slant of Sun

Sometimes too many things hurt . I think too much .

Fall

Sometimes I'd just really like to do something and someone say "That is amazing !"
Not "That is amazing ! But you could do this _____ and it'd look better !"

Today , me , Johnathon and his brother and his brother's girlfriend went to our friend's house . The guys watched the UFC show and the girls crafted .
I came up with an idea for Lua's room , to do her name . And I thought it looked wonderful . I was so happy with it . So were the girls . When we finished the first letter Johnathon said "You should do this . . ." and gave me ideas to "improve it" .
I guess it just hurt my feelings . A lot . I sorta wanted to cry .

I've just never been good at hardly anything . I've never really felt proud of much .
I've always wanted something to be my "thing" and people are constantly amazed by it .

I guess this isn't it .

hmm

Everything has been pretty much perfect . Except / Until PMS hit about mid-day yesterday .
Johnathon , prepare for the storm .

It's always Sunny in . . .

So , I am extremely inspired to craft . I want to sew , paint , bake , EVERYTHING . A good friend of mine has decided to join forces with me and learn to craft . I've really been inspired by my friend Jillian . She's a mommy and a wife and a wonderful Christian and a crafter and a darn good one at that . ( http://www.jillianpye.etsy.com) .

All the things I want to be .

Wish me luck . I'm kind of not good at most things . But , I'm changing that . Mark my words .

I went on a bike ride today with my friends , I loved it . Although , I wish that boys wouldn't shout things . It seems like the majority of my male friends get called "fags" whenever they ride bikes by the fratty boys . Today a car full of boys screamed at us . I don't really get it .

I want to start photographing people . I let my insecurities keep me from that . Stop , Jenica .

2nd hard-drive in six months

I lost everything =[

Hi , lights !

Finally ! Party day is tomorrow and Sunday ! I am cleaning my house with Etta James floating through the air . I love today .

1. 
   
   
   That is my new hair . With some highlights . More to come .
   
   
   
   
   
   I cannot wait for tomorrow . I hope all goes well . I've still got to figure out the food situation , po' folk cannot just buy everything they want !
   
   
   
   
   I am so excited to make the cake , too . I'm nervous because I tend to screw things up , however , I am more mature now . I'm 20 . And I've helped keep Lua alive for the past six months and I think i've done a good job . . . so I should be able to handle her birthday cake ! Right ? Ha , I hope . I've been mulling over a few different designs , so we'll see ! I'll be sure to post many pictures !
   
   
   
   
   
   My mom got her this cute "my 1st birthday" photo album and I cannot wait to fill it ! !

Darling , I'm here

Dang , I love the Gilmore Girls . I love family shows . I love mom and daughter shows . I miss my mom ! =]

I'm getting excited about everything ! And now , Halloween ! I've never REALLY done Halloween before . One time I kind of dressed up . I was going to my friend Seth's HUGE party out on a ranch . He really wanted people to dress up , so I stopped at Walmart on the way and purchased a tu-tu , a tiara and a bloody knife . Put the tu-tu on over my clothes and headed there .

The tiara was uncomfortable . As soon as I walked up I saw Pete-O , he threw his arms around me and his whiskey on me . So , there went the tu-tu .

Then the party turned in to a massive riot . That Pete-O unintentionally started . Man , I loved him .

But this year , Lua is 1 . She's already so aware of everything . I actually stopped by (with Johnathon , Stevie and Kylie) baby mama's party for a short minute to see Lua . It was nice . When everyone was singing Happy Birthday , I just looked around and it was crazy to think about all of the very serious and personal issues we had floating around in our minds between us , and we put it aside to sing together to Lua . She's a beautiful soul , that baby . Anyways , Halloween is on a Saturday and that's our day . I know baby mama is going to argue that , but hey , we'll take Lua and she can go get drunk .

I want to dress up this year and take her trick-or-treating . I hope it works out . And I want to decorate like a CRAZY person ! I love themes ! Any ideas for baby costumes ? I was looking at some !

How amazing is that !

We really want to make her an oompa-Lua ! She's short and fat , so she'll make the best oompa-loompa and Johnathon can be Wonka ! YES !

sweet , Jesus , I swear that I love You .

Oh my . Oh my my my my my my my ! ! ! ! ! !
HAPPY !

I want to express how absolutely marvelous God is , and how happy I feel and how good this is . But , I'll just tell what happened . Except first , GOD IS GREAT ! OKAY !


So , basically , I've been silent for quite some time about how baby mama is not a nice person . But , finally after she accused my boyfriend of cheating on me , that was it . I am tired of keeping quiet about her . She is malicious and sneaky and a liar , people need to know that . I for one , will say something twice . Behind your back and to it . I will also hold everyone else in this world up to that standard , so if she can say these things to Johnathon then she should be able to back them up and say them to the world . HA , that's a laugh . BUT anyway . . .

There is a fabulous organisation called M . A . R . C . H . It is a mediation program to try and help parents who aren't together , work together . They have a lawyer sit in with you , and both parents just talk . The lawyer is there to regulate and educate (=]) . The program is great , they make sure that you are ONLY there to talk about the CHILD . Not current girlfriends or boyfriends or the past or anything like that . They know the law , so they can answer the legal questions . And they are not there to "buddy up" with either side . Which is refreshing because Missouri is 100,000% a mom state .

Well , a while ago baby mama (pre-child support) went and contacted them and signed up to do that . We got papers in the mail .

You see , she would tell us that Johnathon has to pay child support because he is the dad . [not true .] Or that , if Johnathon had partial custody , he'd still have to pay . [not true .] And that he has legal rights to Lua because his name is on the birth certificate . [not true .] And we told her these things were not true , but she went and talked to all the pissed off single moms that work at her daycare and they were like "yeah ! yeah it is !" or something . Well , she thought that these march people would prove her right , and help her get child support .

We get child support papers . 278 friggen dollars a month . And let me explain how that number came to be . As soon as baby mama decided that she was going to try and screw over Johnathon with child support , she threw everything away and screwed herself . Now , the COURTS decide how much Lua needs a month . They decide EVERYTHING . And she , well she's getting screwed , but I'm getting ahead of myself . Anyways , the courts decide a total amount of how much Lua should be costing . They find that out by adding the total income of each party together and figuring what Lua should cost . They split it in two . That is what each parent is responsible for . Then , they find out how many nights each parent has the child . You are given a certain percentage and as I'm sure you can figure out , pay accordingly .

Now , what started all this march stuff is that the 278 . . . that came to be because when the papers were filed , Johnathon got no credit for his visitation . So , now he's having to pay baby mama as if she had Lua full time , then keep her three of those seven days . And he explained it to her slowly and was sure to pronounce his words slowly , and she was like "THATS NOT TRUE ! BAHH ! YOU HAVE TO PAY THIS ! I NEED THIS MONEY ! WE CANT MAKE IT WITHOUT THIS MONEY !" so he said , I cannot afford to keep Lua , could you like help with diapers and food so that I can still keep her ? "NO !" So Johnathon called the march place and found out if they come to an agreement then it can be court ordered , they sign it there .

WONDERFUL !

So , he goes . The march thing was yesterday .

Now , obviously I wasn't there (which baby mama felt a need to stress . She said "Jenica isnt going ." and we're like , you moron , why would you even say that ?) so I do not know what happened in that room , only from Johnathons word .

Apparently , he went in there calm and mature , as he is about everything and so did she . They discussed the child support issue . He told her about how he's having to pay her half too . She said "oh yeah , I agree that's unfair . I'll help with food and stuff ." He said he got no credit for over night visits and the mediator said "that's weird , we can get that changed ." and told them that (despite what baby mama thinks and that tiny head of hers) the father has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHTS because they aren't married . NO RIGHTS . If baby mama dies , Lua won't go to Johnathon (his words .) Baby mama said , that's not true . Mediator said "Yes , it is ." then explained that if baby mama agrees she can go to a lawyer for free and sign something that gives him his fatherly rights , then he'll get visitation credit on the child support papers . In that room , she agreed . Then , that would lower child support from 278 to 150 ! ! ! !

Which , baby mama didn't like the sound of so she chimed in "well , my income is way lower than what they have listed ! That needs to change too ." And before he knew the outcome , Johnathon agreed . And the mediator agreed . Baby mama asked why is was higher and she calculated some things and the mediater said "This is the standard . It is listed as if you worked 40 hours a week at minimum wage , because if you're not . . . you should be ." And baby mama thought it would raise child support , but guess what it LOWERS IT ! AND ALSO ! She's on food stamps and wick (which clearly means there are no baby expenses , so why do you need this money so bad ?) and the mediator said "they are going to have you pay that back when you recieve child support ."

Now , as you can clearly see , I am excited by this . Obviously , we can afford to keep Lua and our bills can get paid now . But whether or not this worked in our favour , it is THE FAIR way . When baby mama decided to screw over Johnathon like this , she threw everything out the window . It will be fair , decided by the courts . NOT her . Finally , because the only fair thing is obviously Johnathon oweing her for the rest of his life because he "ruined" hers . Baby . Anyways , they have a system . As the lawyer said , they follow it STRICTLY . So these things , they will be changed . Because it is the fricken justice system . Which , in the room , baby mama agreed to .

The meeting was pretty ridiculous because it was baby mama sitting there spineless getting told . She would try to be like "even if you had partial custody you'd still be paying child support" and the mediator would say "actually no ." and she would grow two inches shorter and try something else .

And Johnathon explained that he felt powerless as a dad and if he had to pay this he couldnt keep Lua . That he felt that his money was more important than his fatherhood . Baby mama didn't say anything .

Now , here's the catch . In that room baby mama agreed to every decision made . They had two more hours to go back to march and they could sign everything and get it started . She agreed that it was fair . As soon as they left she sends him a text "I'm getting that 278 and I don't give a f*ck . We can't survive without it ." Then she suggested that Johnathon get A SECOND JOB ! !

Now , Johnathon works at 11 dollars an hour 40-50 hours a week .
Baby mamma is at minimum wage 15-16 hours a week .

............................................... what ?

She refused to go back to march because she didn't get her way . And it sucks that she wont co-operate and it kind of got Johnathon down , but I told him that this is a great amazing thing .

We have the power to fight back .

If baby mama doesn't agree to do anything , then all Johnathon has to do is take her to court . The mediator said he could represent himself because it'll be obvious that he doesn't have money and all he has to do is prove that he has Lua three nights a week then they'll change it .
Pie .

She's throwing a temper tantrum . She sat there are googly-eyed at Johnathon the whole time agreeing to everything and couldn't even open her mouth to disagree when she did . She is so spineless . What does that teach Lua ? That it is certainly okay to be greedy and malicious and sneaky but don't be strong enough to stand up for yourself ? Please .

Lua will learn from her father how to do the right thing even when it seems like the world is against you . When it is hard and scary , you fight for what you believe in .

Johnathon is giving baby mama til the end of the week to do her part and if she doesn't , see you in court . There are countless witnesses , baby mama is a spinless coward so I don't see her lying in court if she couldn't even stand up for herself in front of ONE other person who was constantly on BOTH sides , and she even made it public on myspace .

It feels good . So good . Johnathon had a lawyer tell him what was right and what was wrong and how to fix it . It just so happens , that we were right and we were getting wronged and we can finally fix it . I knew God wouldn't allow this to happen .

We still have millions of fights to face with her .
I hate that Lua has to be a part of this .

and notice . . . Johnathon made it clear that his fatherhood would be forced absent with such a high child support . And the mediator made it clear that legally , he is nothing to Lua . Yet , baby mama doesn't want to change any of that . She is keeping Lua's father from him .

I have never in my life seen her make a decision based on Lua's best interest . That scares me . But thankfully , she tripped up . After thousands of "lets screw Johnathon over" decisions , she decided to take the wrong one and screwed herself over . It doesn't matter how bad she thinks Johnathon owes her or how bad she claims she needs his money . . . the court decides how much she gets . And we're seeing how absolutely evil she really is .

Johnathon and I feel though , that Lua will notice sooner than later how her mother is . We will never , ever put words in her head about her mom , but she'll notice . And she'll decide where she wants to be and I honestly don't think it is with her mother . I really don't .

But , I know this has gone on super long , it has just been one of the most amazing feelings in the world . Baby mama aside , I had lost faith in the state of missouri because of how insanely unfair it was . Turns out , they make mistakes and they aim to fix them , we just didn't know how .

I wish we could help other dad's out there . There is SO much we have learned through this and i think it's just the tip of the iceberg .

Gilmore Girls day

I've been very sick today .

Dear Diary -

I am so tired .
Johnathon and Stevie are frolfing .
I'm home with Lua , she's napping .
I'm watching the Upright Citizens Brigade .
So funny , if you know what it is .

I really want a new purse .
A bigger one or maybe just more convenient .
I can't figure out how to stop being so tired .
Maybe if I ate . Anything .

I go to work later and I'm not too excited .
There's nothing that I want to do except lay down and sleep .
For hours . Ugh . I'm chalking this up to an unhealthy diet .

tree-hugging finger nails

I don't like my last post being a sad rant from a bad day . So here .

I took this and Johnathon fixed 'er up real nice .

ranty rant .

So , I have today and tomorrow off .
I'm really excited because today my co-worker Angie is going to be colouring my hair .
If it turns out , I'll put up a picture .
I'm really not excited and pretty bummed because . . . .
we're going on food stamps .
It feels like the end of the world . I don't want to do this . At all .
I've never felt like I was the person who needed it . I think people
who are on it , need to need it .
But , last night Johnathon and I did the figuring and the math .
And there it was , plain as day .
We have to do it . I don't think we do , but he claims we do .
I guess when your bills outweigh your paychecks . . . well .
Ugh .

I believe in God and Jesus is my Saviour . I am a born again Christian .
But right now , I just feel like good people aren't getting what they deserve and the evil people are getting all the good things .
My relationship with Jesus has been suffering , I haven't been to church in years .
I know it needs work . But I also know Jesus will never let me go , and I haven't let Him go .
So what's happening ?
Not only am I not making enough to pay my bills , but every single paycheck something new happens .
We're good people . We don't lie , we don't cheat , we don't steal , we don't hurt other people . We avoid drama . We stay in our world and we don't poke into other's business . We enjoy our time with each other , we want whats best for everyone . We are peaceful and we keep to ourselves and we help others when they need it .
So , why is it that the evil people out there are getting all of our money .
Where's justice ? Angie says karma will come . She's Christian , but I know what she meant . I believe God is just and that it shouldnt make me feel better for the bad people to "get theirs" . But , I am really , really REALLY tired of seeing bad dogs get rewarded for their bad behavior .
baby mamma drama gets everything . Flat screen TV , new furniture , new NICE car , free repairs , and now 300 dollars of OUR money .
Johnathon cannot financially afford to be a father . He even said , since you're getting that much can you help out with diapers and food and she said no .
I am bitter right now .
Where in the world is justice ?


* EDIT

turns out , we aren't eligable for food stamps .

ahhhhh

I am so very happy pretty much all the time .
=]

my hair smells so good !

aren't they just the best ?

Susie Homemaker .

I want to be this girl . I want to be the stepford wife . I want to be smiley and cleany and proper and crafty all day long . I want to never get tired until the clock reaches my bedtime . Then I instantly fall asleep and wake up ready to go .

But I am the girl who doubts . Who is often tired . Who gets spiteful . Who has other girls beating on her kitchen window while she's trying to be the Stepford Wife , taunting her , pushing her buttons so she'll lose her cool . I'm the girl who gets a twinge in her stomach every time her boyfriend picks up his phone to text . I get nauseous when I think about Baby Mama Drama .

What would this girl do ? When she gets tired of the other people pushing their way in to her life to try and wreck it , what would she do ? Smile ? Hand out pearls and pumps ? Anything ? What would she do , because that is what I want to do ?

What would she do if she got worried about her Love falling out of love ? Anything ? Would she work harder ? Bite her tongue ? I know why I get scared . I'm tired of running . His past was bad , but so is mine . His past relationship was bad , but so was the girl , so I shouldn't compare . But it scares me , I've opened myself up . Put myself in the most vulnerable position possible and I'm scared . Very scared . He gives me his word , assures me that he is happy . And I know he is happy , but what about in a year from now ? Will the floor be pulled from under me ? I don't want to run anymore , this is the life I want .

I am tired of suitcases and gas stations and state lines . I am tired of new pillows , new jobs , new time zones . I want Columbia with its seasons and parks and hippies . I want Johnathon and his family and our house . Bonnie likes it here too .

I want aprons and pie pans , dinner on the table when my Love gets home . A big , fat , pregnant belly . A clean house , no dirty dishes and clean towels every day . I want sweet , flow-y bluegrass playing on vinyl and a perfectly set table .

So , how do I get past my psycho mood swings ? I will not be medicated . But I worry , way more than anyone should . I have social anxiety so bad that I spend the entire 20 minute drive to work with butterflies wrestling in my stomach . I forget to smile , I forget to be uplifting . I forget to be forgiving , I forget to be trusting . Perhaps , it is about being grateful . Perhaps I have gotten to selfish and I forgot to look at all the things I have been blessed with . Life has really thrown me some lemons .

So , what would Susie Homemaker do ?

Make some damn good lemonade .

excitement .

SO ! Johnathon said I can get a puppy !

So I have been craigslisting like a mad woman !
The only stipulations , I have to ask the landlord .
And I have to make all the arrangements .
And it has to be smaller than my medium size retriever . =]
sooo excited ! I wrote about some bassett hound puppies .
sadly , no response . they are free and i want them so bad !

Look at that cute little guy doing the sexy pose !

Also , I spent 50 dollars today buying Lua's birthday decorations . Whoops !

Daisy .

I always tend to be a little dramatic . Okay , so really , if one little thing is going wrong I tend to flip out over everything . I haven't always been that way . This is new .

But , right now I am happy . I woke up feeling better (chugging a gallon of cranberry juice apparently works) . Johnathon , Lua , Bonnie and I went to the dog park this morning . Looked at all the cuties and Bonnie got to make some friends . Then came home and relaxed . Right now , Johnathon is looking ever so cute napping on the couch , I have been reading a good book , Lua is (finally) napping (she put up a huge fight) , and Alf is on . Good day , my friends .

I have tomorrow off , so I will be spending the day purchasing supplies and decorations for LUA'S FIRST BIRTHDAY ! So exciting .

I don't know if I mentioned I got myself kicked out of Baby Mama Drama's party . Which I am okay with . Its not really for Lua at all . Its called the Lua Luau but tell my why it is so important to make sure she can have beer there . And , do you really need 60 to 100 people at your kids first birthday party ? There MAY be 2 other kids there . Then , there's going to be an after party . . . . Happy Birthday , Lua . So , I am very glad to not be a part of that . And , this 21 year old mother's exact words were "no , because of facebook"

hahahahhahahaha how mature .

(because of facebook , means that I would not take down pictures of Lua or refrain from posting a status that had anything to do with Lua . Yeah , really .)

Anyways , So I am planning a party for her the weekend after and I am really excited about it . If anyone wants to share any ideas or what-not , please feel free !

<3

So , life kind of sucks right now . I'm cranky and in constant discomfort (not to mention PAIN) . Johnathon is irritating me . And I can't even tell if its me or him .

However , I finally got paid thus finally purchased a new book to drown myself in . Thank you , Jesus .

I'm leaving this world . . .

I have a UTI

I really don't want to be living anymore .

millstone

I don't like myself anymore .

Me , Myself and Alf . (My hectic life entry)

So , I am going to try and backtrack , and start at the beginning .

I wrote about how I was told the Johnathon was cheating on me . That entry is already posted and I feel it is so accurate as to how I felt . It hurts me to think more about it .
We solved it .

My brother came to town from England . He was supposed to have me pick him up Friday from St Louis , which is two hours away . Then he decides , his ex girlfriend is going to pick him up and she and his best friend from Illinois will bring him Saturday , by noon . They would stay Saturday , Sunday or at the absolute latest , Monday . Then , we would spend the week hanging out and leave Thursday for Tenn . My great grandmothers 90th (!) birthday . How amazing .

Well , I was already very tired emotionally after the cruel accusations .
Turns out , my brother and his ex girlfriend decided they were going to wake up at nine (which is when he would have to leave to make it here by twelve . Which they promised countless times , would be when they got in .) They go to Ihop and claim that they wont be much later than twelve . Lets be honest , obviously that's not true . So I get furious . He tells me "I didn't know it was such a strict time schedule ." Seriously ? I said "it is about the decency to show up when you promise ." Not to mention that they completely quit talking to me so I had no idea what was going on . They showed up at 3:30 . I had to work at 4:00 .

So , I get over that and decide , we'll spend a wonderful week with family anyway . First , it turns out that only his ex girlfriend and him are there . He turns in to a competitive , rude person and does not tell me anything . Monday comes around .

The X is showing no signs of leaving . She told my friend that she was supposed to leave Monday , but she's just going to stay until Wednesday . And we leave Thursday for Tenn . She also asked to ride with me and go , and I said no .

Sunday night , my brother asks me to drive him to Illinois , then pick him up on the way to Tenn . He got in the previous day and is now asking to leave . The entire point of my family spending the money they don't have on a plane ticket to STL , is so he can spend time with me . And he asked me to drive him 2 and a half hours away to skip out . I don't answer , I pretend not to hear .

So , Monday comes around . I am already furious with the situation because he has been inconsiderate and she has been offending my friends . I wake up to a text from my father .

To fill anyone in , my father and I are not on bad terms , but we certainly aren't on good ones . He is not a good person . We have spoken once on the phone since I moved out of his house over a year ago . (I lived with him for two months , and it didn't work out) . We are not friends . And I do not like him .

"I'll be in your town by 3"

Another "fill in" . My father does not know that Johnathon and I are dating . My father thinks that I live in some crappy house , with crappy people in a crappy town just struggling to get by . I don't .

I am now livid . I ask questions about his plans , this is the first I have heard of this . He calls "Your brother and I made plans last week ."

So I go wake up my brother and ask him about it . "Well , dad said there's a chance he might not make it , so I didn't think it was a set plan ."

I want to strangle him . Idiot . so , I spend the entire morning (I have to go to work at five) cleaning my house . Deep cleaning and father-proofing . Then , I over-hear him talking to his friend in Illinois "Sorry , I can't make it because Jenica won't drive me ." So , I walk in and say "No , you cannot make it because you invited your father to my house to come see you ." And he says "Jenica's yelling at me , as usual" which nearly pushes me over the edge . Meanwhile , his little ex girlfriend is sitting with him with this smug look on her face and I want to tell her to get out .

Monday , afternoon , my father picks up my brother . I do not see him .
Danni the Devil / baby mamma starts trying to pick fights with me .
"So , I take it you guys worked everything out ?"
I say , "Yes , we're dealing with it ." She prys , hoping we will fight . She pokes , and she pokes .

Tuesday through Wednesday . My father does not speak to me or Johnathon . In fact , he ignores us . He and my brother are "BFFs" and down to have "deep" conversations and go out exploring , with his pathetic ex girlfriend following along like a sick puppy . They are down-right rude to Johnathon . He comes to my town and in to my house and will not even look at me .

I have begun calling my mother to rant , she helps and is furious with my brother .
Wednesday night , my father says goodbye . The ex left , which was a huge battle . I am at work and the idiot starts texting me again trying to see if she broke up me and Johnathon . So , I say , "Thanks so much for telling me everything , we got through it and we're better than ever ."

Which sends her in to a rage . Five page text messages about how Johnathon ruined her life and how she thought I would be different and "Lay down the law" . She will not listen when I say 1 ) i do not believe anything she said 2 ) he did not ruin her life and 3 ) I do not want drama .

Somehow in the middle of her "I wish I could still be with Johnathon but I am psychotic and I can't and he doesn't want me so I'm going to try and run his new girlfriend off" rant she says that it is hard for her to look at my facebook and see pictures and statuses of Lua on there . She is blocked . She cannot see my facebook . Her spies can though . I ignore that , because I am still trying to address that I do not want to talk about Johnathon anymore .

Oh , and guess what . My car gets hit . And they run . So far this is how my night has been . Go to work angry at brother and father , get informed that right outside of my work my car gets hit and the lady ran , get ridiculous text messages from the idiot , and have my father show up at work . I am starting to think , I will break . I am starting to think , I cannot take anymore .

So , I go home to see Johnathon and Lua . It is 930 , and Lua is awake =] There are plenty of people around her and she runs to me . She puts her arms around me . She is 11 months and she has hugged me . I am sitting on the floor and she runs over and climbs in to my lap . Words cannot explain how it feels . And finally , she gives me two kisses . Normally , she avoids eye contact so she avoids kisses . Or else she's too wound up to be still enough to give a kiss . But , she gave me two and it made me so happy . SO , I post this as a facebook status :

"Worst week ever , but a hug and kiss from Lua made it better ."

Then , we go to bed .

In the morning , we will leave for Tenn .

I wake up , so excited . I had been thinking though , and the fact that the idiot still thinks that Johnathon has done these things bothers me . So , before I leave I post a status that says that I do not believe the stories and I do not want them brought to me ever again . Literally , two minutes later I get a text , "Hey girl , I know this is random , but what does your status say ?"

So , I respond , "wow , two minutes ? This town is a joke ."

We get in to this huge fight , she pretty much tells me that I have to clear Lua from my myspace and facebook . I say no , I will not censor myself for anyone . She tells me that everyone thinks I'm pretending to have an "internet daughter" . I tell her I don't care what anyone thinks . She calls me names and tells me I'm rude . I tell her to leave me alone . She always has to have to last word so she waits a couple minutes and says "we'll make it easy then , Lua won't be around ."

And I say that is impossible because she is Johnathon's daughter and I am his girlfriend and Lua is my responsibility also . She hates that . Freaks out . So , I say "I am on vacation visiting family and do not wish to be disturbed . Please , do not contact me anymore ." So of course , to get the last word she says "all those things about Johnathon were true ! So shut your mouth about telling everyone they're stories ."

I get to Tenn and everything is perfect .

I check my Facebook and have recieved a message from one of her little drugee minions .

"Hey , girl !
I read your status and I just want to say that everything we told you was the truth.
I'm not trying to bring myself into your life or problems in anyway.
But there was not a single lie told.
And honestly that's cool that you and John worked things out.
I didn't tell you myself because I didn't think it was a big deal and I was hoping he did change this time.
But as me being a single mom myself, I can say I see where Danni is coming from with the Lua issue.
Not to mention I see her cry over it everyday.
and it's not something that someone should just "get over."
that baby is her life! and I know if I saw Jesse's girlfriend doing that with Miles I would be the same way.
I mean i know you love Lua.What's not to love about her.
it just really hurts Danni because she feels like your trying to take her place as a mother when she's struggling so hard to be the best mom she can for Lua Butt.
Please don't think I messaged you to be hateful or rude, I just thought maybe an outside opinion could help ease the situation.
If you and John plan to be together for a while or forever, then something has to get worked out because the tension isn't good for Lua.
I hope you guys have a safe and fun trip.See you at the LUA-LUAU :)"


WHORE . Every single sentence was either a lie or complete crap . I can actually respond to every single sentence and tell her why it is wrong and stupid . But , I didn't . I didn't respond . I blocked her too . And other people . The spies .

So , I get over that and have the best weekend ever . My family is amazing . Johnathon is amazing . I've never been so happy . My brother kept up being a manipulative jerk .

For my great grandmas birthday we had a family talent show . Johnathon and my brother picked a song , learned it and about ten minutes (tops !) before it was their turn my brother tells Johnathon he's not comfortable doing that song and is just going to do a Say Anything song . Which is completely inappropriate . Then , tells Johnathon he shouldnt have chickened out .

THEN , we all drive back together and stay in a hotel Saturday night , on Scott AFB in Illinois . Where the ex lives . My brother sneaks out , parents are furious . They may be sending him to live with my father .

Johnathon asks my mother for her approval , she gladly gets it . I feel incredible about that .
We go shopping and it has been a great day . We go to the zoo in STL and it sucked .
Some ignorant and animal-like black chick tried to fight us and started beating on our car because she screwed up parallel parking and couldnt do it because Johnathon had pulled up (we thought she was giving up because she pulled up two cars away .) So , I spent the entire day at the zoo worried that she was going to vandalise my car .

So , it was good to be home .
Things have calmed down , sort of . The idiot kicked me out of Lua's Luau birthday party she's throwing , which is fine with me . She has it turned in to a Danni party . She's having beer and inviting a lot of people who don't even know Lua exists . Then she's planning an after-party . For her daughters first birthday .

So , Johnathon and I are already planning on not going and having our own . Which is going to be a thousand times better for us than actually going because the idiot is psychotic . And apparently , I'm not supposed to acknowledge Lua anymore . Joke .

Johnathon and I got in a huge fight last night and I ran out . I took my dog and left . We've never fought like that before . It sucked , but he came after me crying and said he was sorry and we're good now .

This is like a weeks worth in one blog . If you actually read it , well thank you !
I am hoping things settle down now because for a minute there I didn't think I was going to make it .

life . is . insane .

so insane i cannot even really write about it .

You said I'd never be able .

So , here's my yesterday .

Stress all day about cleaning / father-proofing my house .
Stress about seeing my father for the first time since i (messily) moved out .
Go to work .
Recieve a text .

"Johnathon has been dirty texting another girl , it happened a month ago . Johnathon slept with another girl , it happened a couple months ago . Johnathon slept with a girl right before you moved here ."


My . Heart . Broke .

I was stuck at work for five hours trying to figure out where I was going to go , how to split up bills and what happens next . I felt like my entire future went black and i was at the edge of a hole . I felt like the love of my life just died . I won't give second chances , and you broke us .

I thought about how happy we were . How just the night before he held me outside and told me how absolutely happy he was with everything in his life , regarding me .
I thought about how much I've given to him .
I thought about how many times he told me he loved me .
I thought about trying to move forward and love again .

Mostly I thought about who was sleeping on the couch that night and if I would slap him or punch him .

Four hours . I tell my boss . Cry . A little .
She tells me , "remember the source ."
I do . A little . I am angry . I am nausious .

Three hours . I recieve many more texts .
Details Details Details . I smoke three cigarettes .
I shake a little .

Two hours . I tell Johnathon to cancel any evening plans .
He asks , "are we going to dinner"
I cry . More . Tell him no .

One hour . My source shows up . Brought me cigarettes .
Fills me in more . Tells me he will never change .
I tell Johnathon this may be the end . Please be right .


We go for a silent drive , park immediately . I asked him all the questions I had . He got worked up once , started yelling . Not at me , of course .

His charges have been dropped . Its scary to believe him though . I trust him and these girls , they are nonsense . They are miserable and contagious . But , why ? Why would they do this ? Why lie ? Why manipulate words to affect timing ? Why break up a beautiful relationship ?

I feel like I sort of know the answers . Misery loves company . Something about a woman scorned . I feel like I really am living as "us against the world" and I hate it .

We have done nothing , but be happy and successful . Please , stop trying to tear us down .

my obsession .

My inspiration .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ0p8zvUJQE

I loved you , Guinevere , I loved you .

How fun is that picture ? I swear , she's the best . This will probably be quick . I am so tired . Johnathon has been working so much (try 8 to midnight . . .) and I miss him . I have been dealing with so much work drama , I miss good people . The girls at my store are amazing . But , I worked with one girl for four hours one day , and she screwed me over . She spent the entire evening complaining and talking down everyone at her store . It was miserable . But , I never did anything to upset her . Then , my manager has to sit me down yesterday to have a talk with me because serious issues were brought to her attention . She said , apparently you have a lot of issues with me . This . . . girl went to her manager for NO reason AT ALL and told her that I had said all of the things she said about my store , manager and co-workers . UGH ! I was furious . I'm not in trouble and hopefully everyone believes me , but it is beyond hard not to try and get revenge . I want to slap her across her face so hard . Or get her fired . Is that wrong to feel that way ?

On a much lighter note , I want to thank the girls who have taken time out of their day to lift my spirits . The things said meant the world to me and certainly gave me a bit of confidence . I greatly appreciate it and needed it . You are beauty personified .

I threw a barely smoked cigarette out the window today . Took a couple puffs and tossed it because I didn't want it anymore . Am I coming closer to being a non-smoker ?

I want to write . But I really need to sleep more . I want to watch Coraline but Johnathon took the player out of our room and I tend to have a very hard time getting that sorted out . And I really , just want to sleep . I feel so bad for Johnathon . He's worked 30 hours in the past two days . That is my full work week sometimes . Poor little guy is probably so drained and I MISS HIM !

But , anyways . I found a poem I wrote when I was dealing with some stuff in the past . It makes me sad because the ending is sort of happy and hopeful , but it's false . But I ended it . The poem should have ended with a warning of bad things to come . The storm that was slowly and distantly brewing . I thought about adding more . But , I think I will leave it because when I wrote it , I didn't know . I didn't know anything at all except that feeding my brain and the temporary high was enough to mirror hope . Its honest , I guess .

The Airplanes would have taken her anywhere : Tibet , Moscow , Israel , and Finland . She'd prepared lists with made up stories , she'd covered every last white with Dreamland . A fight for culture , it bargained , it begged , it screamed .

No one can really say what her response meant , no one could find the root of her torture . And the way she screamed became apparent , and the things she whispered became evidence .

"Bring the mirror to my face , and that's when you begin ." A phase , a place , a phase .
"Bring the mirror to my face , and I'll allow a bit more sin ."

Skeletons pulled their own weight , strangers pushed her on . Four more tries at a new year . Skeletons felt shoulder blades , strangers led her on . A place , a taste a place .

Fingertips withered down , the ivory as cold as ice . The south Pacific molded into a dream . And cat's bragged about their nine lives .

She'd fight for insomnia , for butterflies and a terrible ache .
The year of no melody , the year of hitting the brain .

A taste , a break , a taste . lucid , unafraid , give it another try . she's stretched , she's there . Vocal and aware .

It's time to embrace snow . A brand new delicate place .
She'd walk the streets barefoot now , oh , she can waltz now .

here's my hope , my tired soul .

I've never been a good writer when I've been happy . It is weird . I read through some old journals when life wasn't exactly at a high point and I am so happy with the way I wrote . But , when things go well , I don't have it .

An even trade ? I think so .

walk around the world

So , I am really not a Tim Burton fan . Really , the only movie of his that I really have respect for is Edward Scissorhands . Until now . I rented Coraline last night and I am obsessed with it . It was so good . I was half way asleep (just woken up from a nap) when I started it , but immediately got sucked in . Probably from the main menue of the DVD haha

There's this pretty creepy song but I loved it .

I seem to have come across some pretty great movies lately . At our house , we're getting in to a Japanese film phase . We watched Death Note (SO good) one and I still need to finish two . Both seriously great films . Then Old Boy which was also great , but on my list , not as high up as the Death Notes . Old boy was pretty twisted though . And next , we'll probably get Battle Royale , which is one of my ultimate favourite movies .

I think I'm going to probably watch Coraline again today , before work !

I do not exist , we exist .

People and God really amaze me . For the past three weeks , I've been sinking and falling and sliding down in to this deep , dark , damp hole . I've been letting my anger come out of my pores , it consumed me . My insecurities drove me . I've hid respect and refused to apologise . I felt like I was losing everything . Pushing everyone away and hurting them to insure distance .

But finally , (two days ago , actually) the tables turned . I went to sleep the night before angry with Johnathon but still feeling very much in love . Then woke up completely rested . I felt good . Amazing . I woke up , I cleaned and cleaned . I went grocery shopping . All before 11am . Which always makes me feel so good about the day . I even bought Johnathon an "I'm sorry" card .

Then , something even better happened . I agreed to go visit Lua's mom to plan her birthday party together . Which was a huge step for us because we've been not getting along lately . Seems she's been going through a very similar feeling of anger too . But , we put it all behind us and actually had a very nice time planning the party . And I got to see Lua which always makes things better .

After that , I went in to work and had the most perfect work day ever . We got rushes a couple times an hour which is good because it makes the day go by so much quicker . Then , inbetween customers , we just talked . My co-worker is an amzing woman . She's been through so much , she's a strong Christian , she's a genuinely amazing person . I look up to her so much . So talking to her about anything and everything very much lifted my spirits . I went home that night and had a wonderful rest of the night with Johnathon .

I feel rejuvinated .

emo emo emo

who knew that so many things could make me feel inferior . How pathetic is it that I don't even want to write in a blog (which is mostly for me) because I don't feel interesting enough . Everyone else has better things to write about .

They write about their husbands and new babies and what do I have ? More bills than money , more drama than highschool and a life full of lies .

I'm something to be proud of . . . ha .

All I want is to be married and a mother .
that's all i've ever wanted .
I want to be proud of myself and things i have done .
I want to feel confident in just something .
I'm not very patient .

I'm miserable .
I can't make music . I can't write anything .
I can't make art . I can't cook . I can't sew .
I can't keep up with housecleaning .
I can't be patient . I can't be satisfied .

I can't feel worth the life God gave me .

'cause I stole your soul .

So , last night I got very brave and told Johnathon about my story . He asked to read it and said he'd give an honest critique . Which is so scary because he is a very critical person . He just knows what he likes and he knows the line between talent and faking it . And he's not afraid to be hard on something .

But he loved it . He said it had a feeling of seclusion , which is exactly what I was going for . It made me feel so good because everything I was trying to acheive in writing , well apparently I did . I felt so connected with him too . Then he asked if Stevie could read it , his best friend and his brother . That made me feel even better .

I've been so frustrated lately . With myself . With what I am capable of . Which , according to me has been NOTHING . I try and take a picture , and it doesn't turn out . I try editing , and I am lost . I try and learn how to do something and I am completely lost . Everyone else can do things , why can't I ? Maybe I was just stressed . It went away though . I talked to a friend who was familiar with those feelings and she just encouraged me to keep going and it really helped . I hate feeling inferior . Maybe I am too hard on myself . Because in every single thing I do , I feel less than . Whether it be the way I dress , makeup , playing piano , writing , singing , photography , my intelligence . . . I feel inferior .

But , I am starting to get over that . Johnathon does a lot of positive things for me , and that is one of them .

I think I am done writing for now , I am starving !

DANCE ME TO THE END OF LOVE .

So , here's the thing . I love to write . Fiction . I get a huge rush from creative writing , but I have never been brave enough to share actual stories I write . Just ramblings and lecture-like things . I've started quite a few projects (as in thousands) , but I never have endings . But , I've found that I really enjoy short stories . Someone (thanks LC) showed me blurb.com and now I'm really inspired to create a book . Full of my short stories and illustrated by my photographs . It really motivate me to feel good about my art I think . Because right now , I honestly only feel that I am an untalented nobody . I've got this hobby that I enjoy but since I am not doing a single thing with it , I feel like it's completely insignificant other than a passion .



So , the thing is , I think I'm going to start putting my short stories on this lovely blog . Which is a big step for me because I know at least one person reads it , which is terrifying for me .

DANCE ME TO THE END OF LOVE .

Ours is a world of Terror . We know loss better than gain , we know fear better than comfort . And yet , we feel love over emptiness . Before this war , we lived in a wonderland . We held hands and smelled flowers and made love and noticed stars . What a silly dream land , but we really believed life was perfect . Until those stars began to explode and our flowers burned .



The war , I don't understand it . My love always told me it was rage from angry people in big ways . Who really knows why . He knew what they told us , something about control . I call that fear . All I knew about the war was that it turned my world orange and gray and everyone cried at night . Except us .



We live in a paper apartment building . Tall , our windows see all . The city , the old parks . The old parks are now campsites and graveyards . Campsites for the solidiers of course , and graveyards for their tropheys . The walls are paper-thin and you can hear sorrow like a loud heartbeat . Weak , our building has taken a few hits and homed many casualties . At night , you can hear the sobbing from all over . But we make love .



We will not feel fear . When the morning comes , you can only hear tear-drops hit the hardwood floor . No footsteps , or the clattering of silverwear or even crying babies . But behind our door , we dance in our kitchen . We look deep into each others eyes and we dance . I still sew up the holes in our clothes and my love still cleans out his musket .



Until the day my world caught fire .



We haven't heard bombs in minutes . My love , why won't you touch me ? The lights are calm now and the masquito's buzz has returned and you've just stuttered over my name .

We're not okay , I know it instantly . I cannot say why . But I feel the shift . Just ask this place .

Darling , I'm sorry . I am sorry .

Glass , not even sharp enough to notice lines the walk-way to our bedroom . And I'd gladly walk it to run away with you .



In the midst of this war , I have always felt your still . I heard your beautiful songs and I witnessed your art . And now . . . something peculiar . Your hands do not reach , your fingers do not lock and you've got something pulling at you . Pulling down your shoulders and the corners of your mouth . Oh , but it's fine ! Just a case of faulty mechanics . We're fine . With the sky on fire , anyone would frown . At least once . Except , we never did .



The thunder is back and we only assume it's from Hell . You've moved now . You're clutching a wrinkled paper . Perhaps a photograph . Perhaps a letter . "See how much I love you ." I offer . The crying walls are back , but I can't tell where they're coming from anymore . I feel it deep inside and I can hear it loud in my head . I can see the city from our window , but your back is turned . And I think your eyes just died , and I saw it happen .



Bombs explode and I can hear death all around me . The very smell of loss fills the air , penetrating our border . All of this tragedy never broke in before and now it is seeping in through the cracked windows and scratching its way in under our door . But those are all insignificant happenings , as all I can see is this shell whimpering before me . A corpse , climbing into the window .



"Love was always a silly belief . Always ."



My walls went orange , my world went gray and I cannot see you anymore . A blast knocks me to my knees , but who can say from what . The bombs did not stop even if the beating heart of My Love did . Or maybe my lack of functioning limbs and inability to form a complete thought has me weak . I choke and refuse to breathe the breeze that slithers it's way into my apartment through the now open window . A porthole to Hell . The curtains tangle , but I leave them be .

number 2 .

Alright , well I am feeling a bit more chipper . Still feeling a bit drained emotionally though . I do love Johnathon so much and I credit my mood change to him . He always has a way of fixing things for me . Last night I got so mad at him over something . I stepped outside and came back to get on my laptop and he had changed my background picture to a sand sculpture thing of dog poo . It was hilarious and it broke the ice I had formed and I love him .

This past weekend two friends from highschool came and stayed with me . It was so nice ! People change so much sometimes , but it's nice to find people who are still theirselves . Proof that even in highschool these girls knew who they were . It's nice to be around that .

I've been pretty stressed about bills and finances lately . We aren't really capable of paying our bills on time and now with the psycho that I refuse to mention robbing Johnathon once a month , it's going to be close to impossible . But , I guess we'll manage . We've just got to get our priorities straight and things will get a little bit easier , I hope . It's just frustrating because we all work so hard and we want to do the right thing , but it doesn't pay . So many weak and bitter people get hand outs and we are the ones they take from . When will we be stable ? I'd really like to start my life and my family soon , but I know that won't happen until we are financially stable .

I just want everything to be okay .

Just another manic Monday .

I really need to get away . I can't deal with this stuff anymore . I am losing it and turning in to a person I don't want to be . I feel forced in to this . I have tried talking about things with friends and co-workers , but it only makes me sick to my stomach because we are helpless . This baby-mamma stuff is so stupid . Missouri is stupid . There are no rights for fathers . A mother can lie and steal and get everyone to kiss her feet , just because she has a vagina and got knocked up . She gets child support even if the father has the child too . She has full custody unless the father wants to pay 800 dollars to TRY and get JOINT custody , which she has to agree to and if she doesn't then your 800 dollars might as well be in a toilet somewhere . And if the father is persistent and tries to fight for his child and get full custody , the mother will be given a lawyer for free and he has to pay . And he'll never win . She could be on drugs or in rehab or whatever and she will keep her children .

So please tell me , how can someone protect theirselves from this ? How can a father who gives his all to his family be told he must pay 300 dollars to the malicious mother who honestly doesnt need it . She has no child expenses , even the lawyer agreed . I can't take this .

I need to get away . I feel like I am so attached that it's hurting me and I can't take this .
someone , come in and fix this .

Everyone needs a halo

I really want a kitten . I've just realised how bad . I can imagine what it'd be like to have a kitten and hold it and snuggle with it . Johnathon will say no . He'll say he's allergic , and our landlord approved one animal . I'm sure though , if we'd just ask he'd say okay . Our neighbors want us to have outdoor cats to help with the rodents that harrass their garden . But I want an indoor cat .

I feel like I haven't seen Lua in weeks . I miss her . I worry about how life will be with her . Her mother is . . . having a hard time letting anyone else in . Including her father . Lua's father . Johnathon . I worry it will be like some disfunctional fairy tale . The princess is locked away and afraid of everyone else because the evil witch has told her stories about them . Bad stories . So the princess doesn't know where to turn and feels alone . That's what I am afraid of .

If Johnathon and I get married , then I'll be her step-mom and I'll have been with her since birth , pretty much . 6 months , I think that counts . She'll love me , right ?

When I am Silent . . .

Alright , where do I begin ? I am so happy this morning ! I got my laptop fixed , which I am ecstatic about . I took it to the Geek Squad yesterday and at first we thought my operating system was damaged but after running some neat tests they found out my hard drive was damaged (Due to excessive shock . which is pretty intense .) Luckily though , I was under warrenty and I got it repaired same day for FREE . My favourite number . The people there weren't really very friendly though . Shame .

Also , today is my second day off ! I go back tomorrow , but it's been so nice to have two days off . I was working pretty hard pretty consistently and my house showed that . So , I got it sort of cleaned up . Here's a picture of my living room and my dog Bonnie .

So , that makes me happy . Yesterday turned in to a bit of a drag for a while . I won't write why because even thinking about it puts me back there . But Johnathon , Stevie and I ended up going to frolf (which is so fun , you should too .) then we all went and had root beer floats together . We needed them , that's for sure . We went to this little , kind of trashy place where you drive up and wait for service . No buttons or speakers . It's a nice place though . Good , I mean .

And Oh , I love Columbia . I wonder if I'll grow tired of it . I used to pride myself in the fact that I would always grow wherever I was planted and enjoy myself . I guess I sort of settled in to this habbit of leaving and always looking for the next place to go . And , a lot of people just are never happy with what they've got . So many girls here whine about how everyone here sucks and they hate this town . Johnathon has been here for 3+ years and he still talks about how much he loves it . I think it's probably just the type of people they are . Johnathon is definately happy wherever he is .

Here's a great Columbia story . Last Sunday , Johnathon , Stevie , his girlfriend Kylie , Lua and two friends of ours Grace and Felix were all outside playing Bean Bag Toss . It was a wonderful day , our neighbors were outside also playing games involving beer bottles and frisbees haha . Anyway , we looked up and saw a wonderful hot air balloon ! After Kylie and I settled down (franticlly squealing and pointing like a tourist) we grabbed our cameras and snapped away !

Soon after , we noticed more ! Three more ! Including one that was a monkey or maybe a bear . And Johnathon told me that they have a goldfish one that drops little packs of goldfish . How wonderful ! The balloons were beautiful and we started noticed one getting extra close to us . My dog , Bonnie , hated them . At first she just whimpered a bit , however , when they started making noises that to her came off as growling she got very angry . She puffed up that hilarious patch of fur and growled right back ! We ended up having to sit and calm her down because she acted as if they were rival dogs or something . All the while , the first balloon we noticed was getting closer and closer .

So , Johnathon , Felix and Stevie hop on their bikes and ride just around the corner where the first balloon is landing ! Around the corner from our house is a large field and we think they may have accidently landed there . Who knows . But here's a picture of Johnathon speedily driving away and shouting in his most manly of voices "THEY NEED MY HELP !" oh , my love is a ham .

Anyways , enough out of me . I need to start on cleaning my bedroom !

a long december

So , I feel awful today . Terrible headache , random stomach pains and fatigue . Luckily , I get to go to work soon and stand behind a register in a dimly lit store for four hours . =[

I guess it could be worse . It could be my normal nine hours . Today is a beautiful , marvelous day . 75 degrees with a perfectly timed (every time !) breeze . I wish it were a saturday with no work , Johnathon and Lua .

Everything would be perfect then !

The neighbors will complain , let them stare .

I've just hit my elbow for the 40th time , this morning . It's not even noon ! Anyways , I am so excited about life . I have been in a very tragic "funk" for the past two+ weeks . I don't know if it was a bit of PMS mixed with stress , or what . But I have been picking fights with Johnathon every day , I have been unmotivated and I sort lost hope in everything . I know it's just the way my brain works . I guess I can keep positive because crazy people don't know they're crazy . And I don't repeat myself . A co-worker and I decided that repetition is a definite sign of insanity . But I know when I am being crazy . I know that my brain works a little different than most , I've accepted it . I know that I will have bad nights or days and sometimes they turn in to weeks . I have accepted it . It's just hard . But Johnathon has been magnificent ! He sticks out the hard times like such a trouper . Which , trust me , is not an easy thing to do .
And it's weird because as soon as we were separated I would long for him . I would grow so worried that he was going to leave or cheat . It consumed me . I'd beg for him to stay with me , when he had not even acted otherwise . Then , when we'd be together the smallest things infuriated me and I would go off on him . It makes me sad that he has to deal with that . It makes me sad that these waves of paranoia and mania come over me and turn my whole world in to a Lifetime movie . But , I am working on overcoming this obstacle and Johnathon is such a great person to do it with . He says all the right things and never loses his temper with me . He is patient and he is so kind .

But on a lighter subject , we bought a piano yesterday . From Craigslist . On one hand , it was our first Craigslist buy gone sour . And by that I mean , a case of majour false advertising .
A couple months ago , we purchased a piano . 60 dollars for an antique stultz and bauer piano that was over 100 years old . And it was beautiful . But we were extremely unprepared and had the wrong person help us move it . In the nicest way possible , she was careless . The piano ended up tipping out of the back of her truck on to the road . Yes , I cried .
So , as money started to allow , Johnathon and I began searching for a second attempt . I was extremely hesitant and didn't really want to invest in something that would break my heart again . But , one day (during a yard sale) Johnathon found a piano , a beautiful one , on craigslist .
The ad said , everything works , the ivories could use some work . So , we jumped and bought it !
The man delivered it yesterday , and lets just say . . . NOT everything works . It is so out of tune , unlike anything I've ever heard . The keys are so lose , so it's pretty impossible to play , and none of the ivories are in even decent condition . On the outside , the body is beautiful . But , as a piano , it's junk . I was a bit let down , but it's just a project I suppose .
God has given me this big ol' arts and crafts project to start . Perhaps it'll mean even more to me once I fix it up with Johnathon .

I guess I better go get on with life !

One Hundred Acre Woods , at night

I think I'm going to start putting up photographs that I've taken that I like .

But Quick . Want to hear a great song ?
Go to myspace.com/wearescouts and listen . All of their songs are great . Right now , my favourite is The One Hundred Acre Woods at Night . Maybe because my boyfriend Johnathon is in it ? haha I remember when I saw him get on stage and do his part with the guys , it was great . He does this background screaming part ("I'll find you") , and it is so moving . I love it . So go listen and become a fan of Scouts . They're incredibly talented and they've just moved to Kansas City to further the band , so help them out !


Anyways , I've moved in to my fabulous new 3 bedroom house a couple months ago . I couldn't be happier ! We got the internet a few days ago and Johnathon taught me how to download ! So , i've gotten quite a few old songs that i cannot find anywhere and I am very excited !

Ultimately , life is good . My relationship has been a but bumpy the past two days , but I love that no matter what is said or what the problem is we still long to be close to each other . We get in to an argument , but it is still obvious that we love each other and when I get home from work we talk it out and fix it . I'd say , we have a very healthy relationship .
My job is great . I love it . And I start at the second store today (i am a bit nervous) to get more hours ! Yay !

internet .

so , i was going to write a whole lot in here .
but my day his quickly taken a turn for the worse , so i'm going back to bed .

but i got internet in my house . i have not abandoned you , blog .

Don't wait up .

No milk for my coffee . What a dreadful thing . I really want clean water , milk for my coffee and unlimited mt dew and diet coke . Is that too much to ask ? I suppose so .

I have to go meet a strange man somewhere that I am not familiar with to sell something from Craigslist and I am certainly not looking forward to it .

I started work yesterday . It was not fun . Four hours (FOUR HOURS) in a small back room with an extremely uncomfortable chair (it had a metal thing poking me in the back !) watching these horrific "Welcome to THE TEAM" videos . Awful , awful . I am desperately hoping that I enjoy this job . It really made me miss my old jobs . Some days , that is . I am pretty sure that it will all depend on if the girls working their are friendly towards me . I need this to be good .

I also really need to lose weight . Terribly . My being fat has even given me nightmares !

So , I'm having to hide out at Danni's apartment . Danni is my friend , Lua's mom and Johnathon's ex girlfriend . It's all different , the fact that we are actually friends , and people seem to think it's weird . . . even a bit self-destructive , but oh well . I like it better this way . Anyway , the jerk landlord of the crap house we're in is showing it today three times , so I had to leave . That's okay though , Danni was nice enough to loan me her apartment for a few hours while she's at work . And her internet works better here , ha .

We're having some pretty intense storms . Hail last night , and I was so worried about my little car . Today it's stormy but not too bad . The only bad thing is a lot of places around here flood , and they are certainly flooding .

Anybody have any good job-finding tips ? I have a job , but I want more . One or two more . I want money ! But , maybe I'll be able to live on a part time job . I just think that bills won't allow that .

Also , I need to start planning the redecorating I will be doing on this new house . Anyone know of good places to start ? I need things like curtains , bedding , silverware , plates , pans and pots , shelves , book cases . . . et cetera . I was thinking Target , but if anyone has any other tips , I would absolutely appreciate them !

I am living off crunchy penut butter

But , great news for me , grocery shopping is in my near future ! Johnathon found these bonds for 50 dollars each and we are going grocery shopping on his lunch break soon . Ah , I am so stoked !

Yesterday , we went Frolfing ! It was much more fun than normal . I was in an oddly good mood (which has been rare this past week thanks to my psycho brain and hormones) and we played on a new course . This one was extremely tricky . There was nature EVERYWHERE ! For anyone pondering what frolfing may be , it is disc golf , which is like golf but with frisbees . You throw your frisbee through a sort of obstacle course and into the goal and it is so fun . But , this one had lakes and beautiful old trees with thorms near the size of my arm ! And , my disc landed near a stream where I was welcomed by probably ten itty bitty frogs ! I caught one , which Johnathon informed me was a cricket frog (he's an animal genius) but he made me put it back . Big party pooper is what I called him ! I plan on bringing a mason jar next time and catching as many as I can and keeping them as pets . I tried to keep a teeny tiny snail once , but he made me leave it outside . What a butt ! haha

Not much else exciting has been going on . I am so excited to get my tax money back ! May 26th ! Half of it will go to rent , but the other half is mine . It will probably go to decorating my new house . See , these boys . . . well , lets just say I would love to make improvements . I have this long list of things I want to get . It starts from new bedding and goes to new pots and pans . Even a new can opener is sorely needed . Yesterday , I attempted to make pancakes and filled the house with smoke . The one pan they have is crazy and whenever you use it , it smokes like crazy .

But , I must get going to pick up the boy from work !

I wish I got paid for the work I do . I have spent all morning putting things on Craigslist , again ! The dishes are backed up , and this house is a mess . Not to mention the packing that needs to get done . Don't get me wrong , I enjoy doing these things . I love to clean (for other people) . And I would much rather work in this house than at another job , but I don't get paid for keeping up with housework and running errands . So , I start my job at Sally's on Monday . It will be so nice to have a third income though . We are broke here in this house (consisting of me , my boyfriend , his brother and on occasion my boyfriend's daughter Lua) . The only money we have is the 18 dollars in my bank account , and my car is on E . (That nagging light is even on !) Not to mention we have no food . Not even milk for my coffee . But , I am happy , nonetheless .

Two weeks and three days until we get to move ! I am so excited , I just cannot stand it ! This house now is cluttered and awful . Boys have been in control for far too long , and I intend on changing that in the new house . Also , we get to go pick up my dog that I had to leave in Georgia . And I miss her like crazy ! So , in a few weeks , life is going to be so great !

I still haven't really found a church here . I admit , I haven't exactly been looking terribly hard . I'd much rather find someone who goes to church , but I suppose things do not work like that . I have to make some sort of effort , right ? I just wish I could get off my butt and do it .

Speaking of getting off butts , I need to get off mine even more to work out ! I have gained so much weight ! You'd think that our lack of food would help with this , but no . And I have been more active lately , but I don't get it . I went on a bike ride that was close to ten miles ! And I have been frolfing (disc golf !) pretty much every day for the past two weeks . My boyfriend and our friends are obsessed with it ! I don't mind it . It is actually quite fun , and I have improved which rarely happens . So , that is exciting .

Well , I suppose I could get to my list of things to do today . God Bless !