'cause I stole your soul .

So , last night I got very brave and told Johnathon about my story . He asked to read it and said he'd give an honest critique . Which is so scary because he is a very critical person . He just knows what he likes and he knows the line between talent and faking it . And he's not afraid to be hard on something .

But he loved it . He said it had a feeling of seclusion , which is exactly what I was going for . It made me feel so good because everything I was trying to acheive in writing , well apparently I did . I felt so connected with him too . Then he asked if Stevie could read it , his best friend and his brother . That made me feel even better .

I've been so frustrated lately . With myself . With what I am capable of . Which , according to me has been NOTHING . I try and take a picture , and it doesn't turn out . I try editing , and I am lost . I try and learn how to do something and I am completely lost . Everyone else can do things , why can't I ? Maybe I was just stressed . It went away though . I talked to a friend who was familiar with those feelings and she just encouraged me to keep going and it really helped . I hate feeling inferior . Maybe I am too hard on myself . Because in every single thing I do , I feel less than . Whether it be the way I dress , makeup , playing piano , writing , singing , photography , my intelligence . . . I feel inferior .

But , I am starting to get over that . Johnathon does a lot of positive things for me , and that is one of them .

I think I am done writing for now , I am starving !

DANCE ME TO THE END OF LOVE .

So , here's the thing . I love to write . Fiction . I get a huge rush from creative writing , but I have never been brave enough to share actual stories I write . Just ramblings and lecture-like things . I've started quite a few projects (as in thousands) , but I never have endings . But , I've found that I really enjoy short stories . Someone (thanks LC) showed me blurb.com and now I'm really inspired to create a book . Full of my short stories and illustrated by my photographs . It really motivate me to feel good about my art I think . Because right now , I honestly only feel that I am an untalented nobody . I've got this hobby that I enjoy but since I am not doing a single thing with it , I feel like it's completely insignificant other than a passion .



So , the thing is , I think I'm going to start putting my short stories on this lovely blog . Which is a big step for me because I know at least one person reads it , which is terrifying for me .

DANCE ME TO THE END OF LOVE .

Ours is a world of Terror . We know loss better than gain , we know fear better than comfort . And yet , we feel love over emptiness . Before this war , we lived in a wonderland . We held hands and smelled flowers and made love and noticed stars . What a silly dream land , but we really believed life was perfect . Until those stars began to explode and our flowers burned .



The war , I don't understand it . My love always told me it was rage from angry people in big ways . Who really knows why . He knew what they told us , something about control . I call that fear . All I knew about the war was that it turned my world orange and gray and everyone cried at night . Except us .



We live in a paper apartment building . Tall , our windows see all . The city , the old parks . The old parks are now campsites and graveyards . Campsites for the solidiers of course , and graveyards for their tropheys . The walls are paper-thin and you can hear sorrow like a loud heartbeat . Weak , our building has taken a few hits and homed many casualties . At night , you can hear the sobbing from all over . But we make love .



We will not feel fear . When the morning comes , you can only hear tear-drops hit the hardwood floor . No footsteps , or the clattering of silverwear or even crying babies . But behind our door , we dance in our kitchen . We look deep into each others eyes and we dance . I still sew up the holes in our clothes and my love still cleans out his musket .



Until the day my world caught fire .



We haven't heard bombs in minutes . My love , why won't you touch me ? The lights are calm now and the masquito's buzz has returned and you've just stuttered over my name .

We're not okay , I know it instantly . I cannot say why . But I feel the shift . Just ask this place .

Darling , I'm sorry . I am sorry .

Glass , not even sharp enough to notice lines the walk-way to our bedroom . And I'd gladly walk it to run away with you .



In the midst of this war , I have always felt your still . I heard your beautiful songs and I witnessed your art . And now . . . something peculiar . Your hands do not reach , your fingers do not lock and you've got something pulling at you . Pulling down your shoulders and the corners of your mouth . Oh , but it's fine ! Just a case of faulty mechanics . We're fine . With the sky on fire , anyone would frown . At least once . Except , we never did .



The thunder is back and we only assume it's from Hell . You've moved now . You're clutching a wrinkled paper . Perhaps a photograph . Perhaps a letter . "See how much I love you ." I offer . The crying walls are back , but I can't tell where they're coming from anymore . I feel it deep inside and I can hear it loud in my head . I can see the city from our window , but your back is turned . And I think your eyes just died , and I saw it happen .



Bombs explode and I can hear death all around me . The very smell of loss fills the air , penetrating our border . All of this tragedy never broke in before and now it is seeping in through the cracked windows and scratching its way in under our door . But those are all insignificant happenings , as all I can see is this shell whimpering before me . A corpse , climbing into the window .



"Love was always a silly belief . Always ."



My walls went orange , my world went gray and I cannot see you anymore . A blast knocks me to my knees , but who can say from what . The bombs did not stop even if the beating heart of My Love did . Or maybe my lack of functioning limbs and inability to form a complete thought has me weak . I choke and refuse to breathe the breeze that slithers it's way into my apartment through the now open window . A porthole to Hell . The curtains tangle , but I leave them be .

number 2 .

Alright , well I am feeling a bit more chipper . Still feeling a bit drained emotionally though . I do love Johnathon so much and I credit my mood change to him . He always has a way of fixing things for me . Last night I got so mad at him over something . I stepped outside and came back to get on my laptop and he had changed my background picture to a sand sculpture thing of dog poo . It was hilarious and it broke the ice I had formed and I love him .

This past weekend two friends from highschool came and stayed with me . It was so nice ! People change so much sometimes , but it's nice to find people who are still theirselves . Proof that even in highschool these girls knew who they were . It's nice to be around that .

I've been pretty stressed about bills and finances lately . We aren't really capable of paying our bills on time and now with the psycho that I refuse to mention robbing Johnathon once a month , it's going to be close to impossible . But , I guess we'll manage . We've just got to get our priorities straight and things will get a little bit easier , I hope . It's just frustrating because we all work so hard and we want to do the right thing , but it doesn't pay . So many weak and bitter people get hand outs and we are the ones they take from . When will we be stable ? I'd really like to start my life and my family soon , but I know that won't happen until we are financially stable .

I just want everything to be okay .

Just another manic Monday .

I really need to get away . I can't deal with this stuff anymore . I am losing it and turning in to a person I don't want to be . I feel forced in to this . I have tried talking about things with friends and co-workers , but it only makes me sick to my stomach because we are helpless . This baby-mamma stuff is so stupid . Missouri is stupid . There are no rights for fathers . A mother can lie and steal and get everyone to kiss her feet , just because she has a vagina and got knocked up . She gets child support even if the father has the child too . She has full custody unless the father wants to pay 800 dollars to TRY and get JOINT custody , which she has to agree to and if she doesn't then your 800 dollars might as well be in a toilet somewhere . And if the father is persistent and tries to fight for his child and get full custody , the mother will be given a lawyer for free and he has to pay . And he'll never win . She could be on drugs or in rehab or whatever and she will keep her children .

So please tell me , how can someone protect theirselves from this ? How can a father who gives his all to his family be told he must pay 300 dollars to the malicious mother who honestly doesnt need it . She has no child expenses , even the lawyer agreed . I can't take this .

I need to get away . I feel like I am so attached that it's hurting me and I can't take this .
someone , come in and fix this .

Everyone needs a halo

I really want a kitten . I've just realised how bad . I can imagine what it'd be like to have a kitten and hold it and snuggle with it . Johnathon will say no . He'll say he's allergic , and our landlord approved one animal . I'm sure though , if we'd just ask he'd say okay . Our neighbors want us to have outdoor cats to help with the rodents that harrass their garden . But I want an indoor cat .

I feel like I haven't seen Lua in weeks . I miss her . I worry about how life will be with her . Her mother is . . . having a hard time letting anyone else in . Including her father . Lua's father . Johnathon . I worry it will be like some disfunctional fairy tale . The princess is locked away and afraid of everyone else because the evil witch has told her stories about them . Bad stories . So the princess doesn't know where to turn and feels alone . That's what I am afraid of .

If Johnathon and I get married , then I'll be her step-mom and I'll have been with her since birth , pretty much . 6 months , I think that counts . She'll love me , right ?

When I am Silent . . .

Alright , where do I begin ? I am so happy this morning ! I got my laptop fixed , which I am ecstatic about . I took it to the Geek Squad yesterday and at first we thought my operating system was damaged but after running some neat tests they found out my hard drive was damaged (Due to excessive shock . which is pretty intense .) Luckily though , I was under warrenty and I got it repaired same day for FREE . My favourite number . The people there weren't really very friendly though . Shame .

Also , today is my second day off ! I go back tomorrow , but it's been so nice to have two days off . I was working pretty hard pretty consistently and my house showed that . So , I got it sort of cleaned up . Here's a picture of my living room and my dog Bonnie .

So , that makes me happy . Yesterday turned in to a bit of a drag for a while . I won't write why because even thinking about it puts me back there . But Johnathon , Stevie and I ended up going to frolf (which is so fun , you should too .) then we all went and had root beer floats together . We needed them , that's for sure . We went to this little , kind of trashy place where you drive up and wait for service . No buttons or speakers . It's a nice place though . Good , I mean .

And Oh , I love Columbia . I wonder if I'll grow tired of it . I used to pride myself in the fact that I would always grow wherever I was planted and enjoy myself . I guess I sort of settled in to this habbit of leaving and always looking for the next place to go . And , a lot of people just are never happy with what they've got . So many girls here whine about how everyone here sucks and they hate this town . Johnathon has been here for 3+ years and he still talks about how much he loves it . I think it's probably just the type of people they are . Johnathon is definately happy wherever he is .

Here's a great Columbia story . Last Sunday , Johnathon , Stevie , his girlfriend Kylie , Lua and two friends of ours Grace and Felix were all outside playing Bean Bag Toss . It was a wonderful day , our neighbors were outside also playing games involving beer bottles and frisbees haha . Anyway , we looked up and saw a wonderful hot air balloon ! After Kylie and I settled down (franticlly squealing and pointing like a tourist) we grabbed our cameras and snapped away !

Soon after , we noticed more ! Three more ! Including one that was a monkey or maybe a bear . And Johnathon told me that they have a goldfish one that drops little packs of goldfish . How wonderful ! The balloons were beautiful and we started noticed one getting extra close to us . My dog , Bonnie , hated them . At first she just whimpered a bit , however , when they started making noises that to her came off as growling she got very angry . She puffed up that hilarious patch of fur and growled right back ! We ended up having to sit and calm her down because she acted as if they were rival dogs or something . All the while , the first balloon we noticed was getting closer and closer .

So , Johnathon , Felix and Stevie hop on their bikes and ride just around the corner where the first balloon is landing ! Around the corner from our house is a large field and we think they may have accidently landed there . Who knows . But here's a picture of Johnathon speedily driving away and shouting in his most manly of voices "THEY NEED MY HELP !" oh , my love is a ham .

Anyways , enough out of me . I need to start on cleaning my bedroom !

a long december

So , I feel awful today . Terrible headache , random stomach pains and fatigue . Luckily , I get to go to work soon and stand behind a register in a dimly lit store for four hours . =[

I guess it could be worse . It could be my normal nine hours . Today is a beautiful , marvelous day . 75 degrees with a perfectly timed (every time !) breeze . I wish it were a saturday with no work , Johnathon and Lua .

Everything would be perfect then !

The neighbors will complain , let them stare .

I've just hit my elbow for the 40th time , this morning . It's not even noon ! Anyways , I am so excited about life . I have been in a very tragic "funk" for the past two+ weeks . I don't know if it was a bit of PMS mixed with stress , or what . But I have been picking fights with Johnathon every day , I have been unmotivated and I sort lost hope in everything . I know it's just the way my brain works . I guess I can keep positive because crazy people don't know they're crazy . And I don't repeat myself . A co-worker and I decided that repetition is a definite sign of insanity . But I know when I am being crazy . I know that my brain works a little different than most , I've accepted it . I know that I will have bad nights or days and sometimes they turn in to weeks . I have accepted it . It's just hard . But Johnathon has been magnificent ! He sticks out the hard times like such a trouper . Which , trust me , is not an easy thing to do .
And it's weird because as soon as we were separated I would long for him . I would grow so worried that he was going to leave or cheat . It consumed me . I'd beg for him to stay with me , when he had not even acted otherwise . Then , when we'd be together the smallest things infuriated me and I would go off on him . It makes me sad that he has to deal with that . It makes me sad that these waves of paranoia and mania come over me and turn my whole world in to a Lifetime movie . But , I am working on overcoming this obstacle and Johnathon is such a great person to do it with . He says all the right things and never loses his temper with me . He is patient and he is so kind .

But on a lighter subject , we bought a piano yesterday . From Craigslist . On one hand , it was our first Craigslist buy gone sour . And by that I mean , a case of majour false advertising .
A couple months ago , we purchased a piano . 60 dollars for an antique stultz and bauer piano that was over 100 years old . And it was beautiful . But we were extremely unprepared and had the wrong person help us move it . In the nicest way possible , she was careless . The piano ended up tipping out of the back of her truck on to the road . Yes , I cried .
So , as money started to allow , Johnathon and I began searching for a second attempt . I was extremely hesitant and didn't really want to invest in something that would break my heart again . But , one day (during a yard sale) Johnathon found a piano , a beautiful one , on craigslist .
The ad said , everything works , the ivories could use some work . So , we jumped and bought it !
The man delivered it yesterday , and lets just say . . . NOT everything works . It is so out of tune , unlike anything I've ever heard . The keys are so lose , so it's pretty impossible to play , and none of the ivories are in even decent condition . On the outside , the body is beautiful . But , as a piano , it's junk . I was a bit let down , but it's just a project I suppose .
God has given me this big ol' arts and crafts project to start . Perhaps it'll mean even more to me once I fix it up with Johnathon .

I guess I better go get on with life !

One Hundred Acre Woods , at night

I think I'm going to start putting up photographs that I've taken that I like .

But Quick . Want to hear a great song ?
Go to myspace.com/wearescouts and listen . All of their songs are great . Right now , my favourite is The One Hundred Acre Woods at Night . Maybe because my boyfriend Johnathon is in it ? haha I remember when I saw him get on stage and do his part with the guys , it was great . He does this background screaming part ("I'll find you") , and it is so moving . I love it . So go listen and become a fan of Scouts . They're incredibly talented and they've just moved to Kansas City to further the band , so help them out !


Anyways , I've moved in to my fabulous new 3 bedroom house a couple months ago . I couldn't be happier ! We got the internet a few days ago and Johnathon taught me how to download ! So , i've gotten quite a few old songs that i cannot find anywhere and I am very excited !

Ultimately , life is good . My relationship has been a but bumpy the past two days , but I love that no matter what is said or what the problem is we still long to be close to each other . We get in to an argument , but it is still obvious that we love each other and when I get home from work we talk it out and fix it . I'd say , we have a very healthy relationship .
My job is great . I love it . And I start at the second store today (i am a bit nervous) to get more hours ! Yay !

internet .

so , i was going to write a whole lot in here .
but my day his quickly taken a turn for the worse , so i'm going back to bed .

but i got internet in my house . i have not abandoned you , blog .