Dear Pete-o ,

These letters to you help me . It helps to read back over them and see if I have gotten any better at dealing with your death or not . Usually , not . But I lost them all . My computer crashed and all the letters I've ever written you are gone . I need somewhere to store this , so its safe .
I miss you a lot every day . Dale killed himself Monday , the year and a half mark of your death . I feel terrible , and even more so terrible because I kept thinking of you .
And I blame myself and everyone says not to . But , I can't make it a day in life without thinking that I have your blood on my hands .
I screwed up with you more often than not . But you knew I loved you , right ?
You made it seem so simple , "lets just get married ."
I'm sorry . Leah and I talked yesterday about you .
She's in love and I know you know with whom . I reminded her of how I always went back to you and she always went back to him . You guys were the ones we couldn't get over . I told her how I lost my chance , so she should grab at hers . I think she might .
She misses you a lot too . She hopes you're chilling with Dale now .
I still struggle with the fact that there's nothing to change this . Nothing I can say . I've always been able to fix every fight between us . And so have you . But , this is bigger than us and I can't wrap my mind around it .
I really want to know if you knew what you were doing .
I don't think you meant to die . I really don't .
But , I remember almost every word in our fight a few days before you died .
I am so sorry . Was it me that made you crazy ? Whenever we were together you were calm and when I hurt you and left you lost it . You lost it pretty hard this time and it swallowed you up .
That time , I guess . I just wish you were here to accept my apology and laugh about it like we always did before .
You were a beautiful soul , Pete .