who knew that so many things could make me feel inferior . How pathetic is it that I don't even want to write in a blog (which is mostly for me) because I don't feel interesting enough . Everyone else has better things to write about .
They write about their husbands and new babies and what do I have ? More bills than money , more drama than highschool and a life full of lies .
I'm something to be proud of . . . ha .
All I want is to be married and a mother .
that's all i've ever wanted .
I want to be proud of myself and things i have done .
I want to feel confident in just something .
I'm not very patient .
I'm miserable .
I can't make music . I can't write anything .
I can't make art . I can't cook . I can't sew .
I can't keep up with housecleaning .
I can't be patient . I can't be satisfied .
I can't feel worth the life God gave me .
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Oh lovely, please do not be discontent with yourself.
ReplyDeleteLife is such a hard balance, I'm having a terrible time with keeping the balance in my own. Sometimes I want to write a blog and just scream and cry my way through it...but I always look back at those and feel silly. (So I scream and cry my way through my private journals--lol)
You will find your way to being a wife and mother soon enough...don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being a wife and mother---but I look back fondly on the moments when it was just me and I could literally do whatever sparked my fancy. Because I'm in the process of unpacking, I found all of this old stuff from when I was dead set on going to design school and becoming a model...but my mom didn't want me to go away to school and didn't want me to become a model. Sometimes I think about what if? I look at my stretched out belly now, and all of the responsibilities that we have here and decide that I'm lucky if I get to blow dry my hair after a 5 minute shower...oi.
If you ever need a place to stay to clear your head for a couple of days, we're just a bus ride away. We have a guest bedroom and a crying/cooing baby for entertainment! Don't limit yourself dear one...not until life itself puts those perameters on you.
i'm sorry you are feeling this way.
ReplyDeletei understand more than you know. you're life has been feeling like it's going nowhere and there's not much purpose except to constantly feel insecure, vulnerable, and too often you feel alone, right? i think there will one day be a turning point in your life where something extravagant will happen and that will change everything!
i want to tell you that you are gifted more than you think you are. i love reading what you write! i love the way you write and it inspires me. you're different than everyone else.
everyone has money issues and drama in their life, jenica. but you are more beautiful than most. you have such big eyes (which i am jealous of, by the way)! you are inspired by other artistic people when i think most people arent really inspired at all. and you have a unique and interesting way of writing that i love to read, when most people, i swear, are downright boring! that's why i said you should make a book and that i would read it when i didn't tell anyone else to do that! that's because i find you an artistic person in your own way. you may not think so, but you post pictures here and there (hot air balloons, circus girls, and pianos) and write little things that just make me stop and want to READ and LOOK more!
and that is why i think you are artistic and worth listening to.