I want to be this girl . I want to be the stepford wife . I want to be smiley and cleany and proper and crafty all day long . I want to never get tired until the clock reaches my bedtime . Then I instantly fall asleep and wake up ready to go .
But I am the girl who doubts . Who is often tired . Who gets spiteful . Who has other girls beating on her kitchen window while she's trying to be the Stepford Wife , taunting her , pushing her buttons so she'll lose her cool . I'm the girl who gets a twinge in her stomach every time her boyfriend picks up his phone to text . I get nauseous when I think about Baby Mama Drama .
What would this girl do ? When she gets tired of the other people pushing their way in to her life to try and wreck it , what would she do ? Smile ? Hand out pearls and pumps ? Anything ? What would she do , because that is what I want to do ?
What would she do if she got worried about her Love falling out of love ? Anything ? Would she work harder ? Bite her tongue ? I know why I get scared . I'm tired of running . His past was bad , but so is mine . His past relationship was bad , but so was the girl , so I shouldn't compare . But it scares me , I've opened myself up . Put myself in the most vulnerable position possible and I'm scared . Very scared . He gives me his word , assures me that he is happy . And I know he is happy , but what about in a year from now ? Will the floor be pulled from under me ? I don't want to run anymore , this is the life I want .
I am tired of suitcases and gas stations and state lines . I am tired of new pillows , new jobs , new time zones . I want Columbia with its seasons and parks and hippies . I want Johnathon and his family and our house . Bonnie likes it here too .
I want aprons and pie pans , dinner on the table when my Love gets home . A big , fat , pregnant belly . A clean house , no dirty dishes and clean towels every day . I want sweet , flow-y bluegrass playing on vinyl and a perfectly set table .
So , how do I get past my psycho mood swings ? I will not be medicated . But I worry , way more than anyone should . I have social anxiety so bad that I spend the entire 20 minute drive to work with butterflies wrestling in my stomach . I forget to smile , I forget to be uplifting . I forget to be forgiving , I forget to be trusting . Perhaps , it is about being grateful . Perhaps I have gotten to selfish and I forgot to look at all the things I have been blessed with . Life has really thrown me some lemons .
So , what would Susie Homemaker do ?
Make some damn good lemonade .
oh my GOD, i COMPLETELY understand everything you're saying. and i've felt everything you're saying.
ReplyDeletebaby girl, it will take years of practicing to be susie-housemaker. i'm sure that since you've started living with your boyfriend, you've become more responsible and helpful. and you'll keep on getting better at it as time goes on.
i havent gotten past the point of only being able to cook frozen dinners!! i'm starting to be able to work around the house without TOTALLY slothing around.
but i'm getting better!!!
i know about putting yourself in a vulnerable position!!!! when you open yourself up to someone, that really happens. try to use your BEST judgment.
i just understand so much of what you are saying.
i wouldn't want to take medicine either. that is like, to me, the last option i would take. if there was just no hope for anything else. my mom has to be on medication... literally HAS to be.
but you can make it. keep fighting girl! there is hope and good things for you, i know it.
and you write so creatively! i'm jealous. you really have a talent!
and remember.... you're how old? 20?
ReplyDeletehow could you expect yourself to be susie housemaker ALREADY?! i imagine Susie House-maker to be like...i dont know, 30! haha ;)